I used to rate the movie theaters

locally, but it has become fruitless. The movie closed here in Peachtree

City. The once simple-to-get-to Newnan has become the poster child for

sprawl, congestion and traffic. Thus, I am left with Tinseltown 17 and

Cinemark 10 as the place to see my films.

I couldn't do any better anyway.

Cinemark's Tinseltown is nothing less than what a movie experience should

be: great theaters, lots of excited people and, of course, butter-bathed

popcorn and half-gallon Diet Cokes. Cinemark 10 is a $1, what else can

I say. Simply awesome!

Thus, I am going to replace

my theater column with another side of the movies that can benefit readers

things we can learn from going to the movies. Unless you are perfect and

have a perfect perspective on life for example, like most Democrats here

are some things that the movies teach us, that can improve our quality

of life and maybe even save our lives.

First of all, if you are ever

being chased by someone trying to kill you, the movies teach us that the

perfect way to escape is to duck into any local parade, which, for some

reason, happen pretty regularly in the movies. Other good ways to elude

would-be attackers is to run along the street and upset every street vendor

cart you pass. If you don't have the luxury of being outside while being

chased, simply climb into any air conditioning duct and you can be assured

of getting away, not to mention you can travel anywhere you like through

any building's system.

If, by chance, none of these

movie tips work and you find yourself cornered by a conscienceless hit

man or Mafia strong arm, a camera flash or handful of sand will typically

render the surprisingly sensitive would-be murderer incapacitated for

enough time to escape. If you have no such props handy, you can also distract

him by babbling on about your attacker's partner betrayals and get them

into a fight. Then you can just sneak out the back way.

Another tip from watching movies

is, if you can't remember the local exchange of the person you are calling

on the telephone, try 555 as this seems to be the prefix of every telephone

number in the country. Also, the movies have given me confidence in flying

because I know that even I can fly and land any plane as long as there

is someone in the control tower to give me proper instructions.

One more bit of advice from

the movies if you ever go off to war, do not show anyone a picture of

your wife or sweetheart. That is a deathwish and you will surely die.

Movies have also taught me

some of the major differences between men and women. An example would

be the villain. To a woman at the movies, the major villain would be someone

who cheated on his wife with her best friend. To a man, the main villain

would be someone who has planted a hidden nuclear device. For the woman

in a movie, the person who causes them the most stress and pain is their

mother; to men it is someone who has tied them up and is shocking them

with a cattle prod.

In the movies, if a man and

woman are strangers, in trouble, on the run, traveling through time, or

about to die, they will fall into bed together. In the movies, if a man

and woman are in love, made for each other or long lost sweethearts, they

will almost make it, then break up and only reunite in the last 45 seconds

of the movie.

And like this column, the movies

always end way too soon or not soon enough.

[Visit Billy Murphy on the

Internet at https://ebilly.net.]