A gentleman

at church last Sunday was telling me about a strange phenomenon occurring

in youth soccer circles these days. Somewhere, somehow, someone came up

with the bright idea to have "silent soccer games."

As I understand

it, coaches and parents are forbidden to cheer, yell, encourage, or otherwise

comment when these "silent soccer" rules are in effect. I suppose

that this less than brilliant idea was proposed by someone because some

parents and coaches insist on making horse's patoots of themselves at

children's athletic events by screaming, cursing, and whatnot.

Given that

parents sometimes are given to excessive passion that may manifest itself

in crude and rude behavior, doesn't this still seem like an incredible

overreaction? I mean, how can you go to see a real sporting event that

doesn't include cheering, yelling, clapping, and whooping? "Kill

the ump," is a vital part of the American jargon.

Imagine a "silent

Super Bowl." It's fourth quarter, the Falcons are 10 yards from paydirt

and winning the game (I can dream, can't I?). It's fourth down and goal

to go and the Falcons are down by five points. The score is 35-30 and

the lead has gone back and forth throughout the tense but thrilling contest.

The clock is ticking, there are no time outs left, and there are 10 seconds

left to go in the game.

In the eerie

silence of the Georgia Dome (silent Super Bowl, remember?), the Falcons

line up, snap the ball, and as bodies crunch together and men groan and

grunt, the quarterback fires a pass into the end zone, the Falcons win

the Super Bowl, and hell freezes over.

In response,

the 60,000 to 80,000 in attendance applaud politely and quietly, the announcer

whispers the results into the microphone, and the players shake hands

and leave the field quietly.

What is this,

golf?

I think golf

is the best game on television on a Sunday afternoon. I can get a bowl

of popcorn, a diet soda, sit in my easy chair, and fall asleep in 15 seconds.

Golf, for people like me, is a terribly boring game to watch. I tried

to play it years ago and was bored then, too. Not nearly enough action.

No cheerleaders, no fat drunk guys with painted mid-drifts, no guy holding

a John 3:16 sign for the camera, and no screaming or yelling partisan

fans.

Personally,

I think that Tiger Woods has it way too easy. I think that the galleries

should be allowed to scream their support and, if they so choose, attempt

to distract the golfers. I think when Tiger is attempting to make that

zillion dollar putt, hundreds of people with long balloons should be allowed

to wave them, jump up and down, and whistle like they do at basketball

foul shot attempts.

In fact, I

think that you should give Tiger and the other golfers 10 seconds to make

the putt before rushing them with big 300-pound guys in helmets and pads.

I mean, that's a real sport.

Even tennis

has gotten a bit rowdy these days and I personally think that a pretty

good thing.

I understand

that well-intentioned people are trying to protect Johnny and Jane's self-esteem

and I understand that people are tired of loudmouthed buffoons who sling

abuse and sarcasm like so much slimy mud. But self-esteem is imparted

well begin to learn that early. "Silent soccer" does them no

favors.

So, here's

my suggestion. Throw abusing and obnoxious parents off the field. Ban

those coaches whose only goal is to win and whose primary coaching method

is intimidation. But do away with this ridiculous notion of "silent

soccer."

It's not just

a bad idea, it's a silly and stupid one, if you'll forgive my saying so.

I've had three sons and a grandson in soccer through the years and I think

I would have exploded if I'd had to be silent.

If you want

to participate in a silent sport, go watch golf.

[David Epps

is rector of Christ the King Church in Peachtree City. He may be contacted

at [email protected] or at www.ChristTheKingCEC.com.]