I keep hearing people talk

about Al Gore selecting a vice-president, but I thought we already had

that in Bill Clinton. I think Gore should select an anti-vice president.

Anyway, the whole concept of the vice-president is pretty stupid to me.

Like the SUV, the vice-presidency is bourgeois and needs to be gone. There

are plenty of better alternatives.

Why not have a second-string team like in football. Just let the vice-president

walk around everywhere the president goes and carry a clipboard and wear

a headset like in the NFL. And if the president is really doing bad on

a particular day, they would just take him out of the summit meeting or

whatever and put in the sub. Or, if we have a big lead in a world conference

or something, just send the president to the showers and let the "supporter-back"

mop up the rest of the game.

Or instead of a vice-president, have a "relief" pitcher president.

Anytime the president looks like he is not making any headway, to motivate

him to get off his duff and perform, you just have the relief-president

start warming up in the bullpen ("Bull" pen, by the way, could

be redundant for any place there is a group of politicians). A Bobby Cox-like

manager would go out and say, "If you don't get that export

tariff lifted in the next five minutes, you are out of here."

What kind of masochist could a person be to seek the office of vice-president

anyway? Does he forgo (Or is it forgoe?) watching "ER" in favor

of "Chicago Hope?" Does he root for Wile E. Coyote? Is his favorite

comedy routine, "Who's on first, what's on second?"

Did he grow up under a more popular brother or sister and have to wear

hand-me-downs? Does he save money by always buying seconds?

I am not one to second-guess the vice-president on his career choices,

and maybe for him this job is second nature. Some people, I guess, like

playing second fiddle or being second banana, even though they would be

seen as a second-class citizen in the political world. I would turn down

the job in a split-second, but on second thought, if you played your cards

right second time around and got your second wind you might make it to

being president.

The toughest part of being vice-president would be when it was obvious

to everyone in the free world that you were superior to your president.

This could be the situation with Dick Cheney playing v.p. to George W.

Bush. Dick would probably just serve to complete all the president's

sentences. You could see a foreign affairs meeting like:

George W: "It's time we told those, those...." Cheney:

"Cubans."

George W: "Told those Cubans... that we already gave them... gave

them...." Cheney: "Elian Gonzalez."

George W: "Yeah... and that we don't take lightly ... uh...."

Cheney: "Communism."

George W: "Yeah. After all, they are right off the coast of... coast

of..." Cheney: "Florida."

When you think of it, the office of vice-president could be made completely

more efficient. Drop the Secret Service, just have him walk in front of

the president and taste his food. When you really think of it, the best

choice for vice-president in the history of our country was Dan Quayle.

He was completely expendable. To me, the whole idea of the office would

be that the v.p. could be easily and quickly replaced, sorta like when

Keith Moon used to fall over drunk at every other Who concert and they

would just get any guy out of the audience to take his place.

Every fourth episode of "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" could

be changed to, "Who Wants to Be Vice President." Even better,

the person who is the last "Survivor," he or she would be fit

for the job. Or most likely, like Dick Cheney, overqualified.