I, like a

lot of people go to church pretty much every Sunday. Yet,

like Mark Twain said, (or Samuel Clemens, I'm not sure

which) "It's not what I don't understand about the

Bible that causes me distress, It's what I do

understand." And though church is a place that

pretty much serves to remind me just how bad a person I

am, I know I would be a lot worse a person without it.

That's not to say I am even

perfect in church. I get yelled at still to this day by

adults for falling asleep consistently. They don't

understand, I have a rare form of narcolepsy called

"sermonlepsy." It is an awful disease and

someone like Michael J. Fox should start a foundation for

it.

Even though I am no help,

especially worthy of our support and consideration is the

preacher. He puts up with so many of us weird people and

comes back for more and more. He offers his words and put

them out there for public scrutiny way beyond what a

person should endure. Yet sometimes over the years I have

detected that what the preacher was saying and what he

meant might have different meanings. Thus I offer you

these:

What he says: "The

world is asleep and they need for us to bring them back

to life!" What he means: Could someone please wake

up Mr. Johnson. He is snoring again.

What he says: "I hope

this sermon will give you the motivation to ask yourself,

"What am I giving? A little time, a little

effort..." What he means: ...Perhaps more than that

a little five-dollar bill every month.

What he says: "As I

look out over this congregation, I see hungry, thirsty

people." What he means: I see people who are dying

for me to get them out of here early enough to beat the

other churches to Longhorn Steakhouse.

What he says: "The

special music this morning by Mrs. Birch was

indescribable." What he means: ...Not to mention

indecipherable and inde-wrong key.

What he says: "During

the week, when I am reaching out to so many

others...." What he means: I am up to mailing 10

resumes a week to other churches now.

What he says: "Just

this morning, I was reading the headline from the

newspaper and it said..." What he means: Can you

figure out just how much preparation I put into today's

sermon?

What he says: "Only

God knows your sins." What he means: But Carol Ford

who works in the nursery knows a pretty good deal about

everybody too.

What he says: "In

conclusion..." What he means: Just three more pages

of sermon notes to go.

Maybe I am wrong about any

or all of these. Maybe this is all just a ploy to get us

all to listen harder to the sermon. Maybe.