Be the last

survivor on a rat-infested island and win $1 million.

Piece of cake.

Survive a

Georgia summer with three kids uttering the mantra,

"I'm hot; I'm bored; I'm hungry," and you can

petition the Vatican for instant beatification.

The

participants on the TV hit "Survivor" must

spend around 16 weeks together, hunt their own food and

compete in various athletic contests. Mothers spend 18

years tethered to one or more children, scavenge the

supermarket aisles daily for vitamin-fortified foods

their kids will eat, and can juggle a telephone, a baby,

a vacuum cleaner and a sippy cup with ease.

These TV

survivors are wimps. So what if they eat crunchy

caterpillar larvae and roasted rat. In the course of a

child's upbringing, the average mom consumes twice her

weight in McDonald's quarter pounders, washed down by

several hundred gallons of diet cola. Athletic pursuits

range from scaling a ladder to rescue a frisbee lodged in

a tree to hoisting a canoe onto the top of a minivan.

The tribes

on survivor are no different than the family unit. The

only good thing is that they get to vote members who

shirk their duties or behave inappropriately off the

island. Unfortunately, ill-mannered children can only be

banished to their rooms or a handy closet for a set

period of time and cannot be air lifted to Aunt Sandy's

in Oregon to live until the age of 21.

Summer

signals the time for all mothers to switch into high

survival mode. To make it through 10 full weeks without

having a nervous breakdown, or a visit by the Department

of Social Services, it is imperative to be prepared.

First off,

a fully stocked refrigerator and freezer is a must. Never

run out of popsicles or sunscreen. Make sure you are

within 10 minutes driving distance of a swimming pool.

Shades should be drawn and clocks set back two hours at

bed time to deter early risers.

Chore lists

should engage children for at least one hour a day. Hide

all "Barney" videos. Afternoon naps are

mandatory. Car trips in excess of two hours should be

avoided.

And if all

else fails, sign up to be a contestant on the next

edition of "Survivor." A vacation in the

Australian outback sounds heavenly.

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