There is

much to be pondered about hair. Hair is, one minute,

beautiful, soft and luscious, and the next minute, gross,

disgusting and limp. When we want to be specific we can

"split hairs." When we upset or annoy someone,

we are said to be "in their hair." I know I am

be stretching it here, but what the heck, I guess I'm

gonna "let my hair down."

The thing about hair is, it

should stay where it's supposed to stay. On the head of

the average super model (approximately one-third their

body weight) hair is mostly beautiful. At the bottom of

the average bowl of chili, hair is scurrilous (I put that

term in to throw off the super models). Thus,

"brushing blow-dried bangs at the beauty parlor

while braiding the brunette's bouffant into a bun"

is OK. But, "slurping a shock of shaggy, shaved

sideburns from soup," is definitely not. That's sick

enough to curl your hair.

The reactions concerning

hair differs among women and men, too. Women definitely

want men who have hair on their head. They definitely don't

want men who have hair on their back, their toes, or

coming out of their ears.

Men only care about a

woman's hair to the point that it doesn't block ESPN or

the side mirror when changing lanes. Men can even

overlook a woman with a mustache if she can give good

back rubs or drive a stick shift.

Men and women also react

differently to the haircut. No matter how bad a job the

barber did, men don't care. No matter how good a job the

"stylist" did, women are dissatisfied. The odds

of a woman having her hair cut and being happy are the

same as the odds of John Rocker doing a guest spot on

"Will and Grace."

There are some strange

terms and phrases associated with hair: cowlick for

instance, or how about dreadlocks? These sound more like

names for Pro Wrestling "holds." "Oh! Did

you see that cowlick that Hulk Hogan just put on Sting...

Now he has him in a dreadlock!"

I tend to always confuse

the terms, hair mousse and moose hair. And what is it

with the age-old dare, "It'll put hair on your

chest"? I don't have hair on mine and I have never

felt the need to have it. I just say, "Grass don't

grow on a playground."

And how flattering is it

for a girl to be wearing a ponytail or a pigtail? What a

boost this has been through the ages for the self-esteem

of our young girls. Get her all primped up and describe

her with a barnyard animal. And which one is which? Is

the ponytail the one that looks like the Chinese

handcuffs or is it the pigtails?

Shampoo is a strange word,

too. "Sham" means fake and poo means -

well, you know. So is shampoo really fake poo poo? And

why do we only shampoo two things, hair and carpets? Now

what do these two things have in common? Wait, my uncle

Morty is bald and wears a rug. Now I get it. But, I don't

think he has been doing any Stanley Steam Cleaning; that

make your hair stand on end.

There are some descriptive

qualities concerning the coiffure. When one is an obvious

winner, he is a "fair-haired" child. Someone

incredibly unattractive would be

"hair-raising." But, be careful to take either

of these types for granted; both have been known to have

a "hair-trigger."

Concerning these funny

follicles, it all comes down to this logic: To be human

is to have hair. To have hair, you must use a comb. Thus,

combs are what separate us from the animals.

[Visit Billy Murphy on

the Internet at https://ebilly.net .]