D-I-E-T. The most foul four

letter word in the dictionary. Mention the merits of

carbohydrates in mixed company these days and you're

almost guaranteed a verbal sparring match on the merits

of Dr. Atkins diet, the absurdity of the traditional food

pyramid and the fat- fighting power of fat.

It's easy to spot Atkins'

addicts. There's not a crumb of carbohydrate within 500

yards of their plates. These folks scarf down more eggs

in a week than Paul Newman in "Cool Hand Luke."

They eat bacon strips like they were pretzel rods.

They'll tell you their bodies are in "ketosis"

and burning fat even while they sleep.

Several of my male

coworkers are on this diet and will defend it to the

death, which is the state they will be in if they don't

lay off the pork rinds.

"But it's all based on

scientific fat," they claim. "Read the

book." Now why would I want to bore myself with

300-plus pages of data which is designed to make you

think bread is the food of the devil. I love bread,

especially when it's warm, soft and begging for butter.

"Eat protein,"

I'm told. "Why should I eat fowl injected with

growth hormones, risk E-coli by eating fast-food burgers,

without the bun, and eschew abundant nutrients found in

fruits and vegetables?" I argue.

"Because the diet

works," they counter.

OK. So they lost a few

pounds. Big deal. I can lose weight, too. Right now I'm

on the post-Guatemalan trip diet which turbo-charges your

digestive system and intestinal tract. Substitute Maalox

for milk shakes and Immodium for between meal snacks and

you'll be guaranteed to lose weight.

It sure beats the Barkoot

Karate Diet I tried in my college days. Just eat spinach

and eggs for seven days. Yum. Then there was the

grapefruit diet. Just eat a half before every meal.

Remember those cute little individually wrapped

chocolates for curbing the appetite? You could polish off

a box of those in a day. And then there was the low

carbohydrate diet. I had a little green book about 25

years ago with a carbo- wheel pinned to the front. You

could consume something like 30 grams of carbohydrates a

day. Eggs contained zero carbs, ditto for bacon. Pork

rinds were also allowed in unlimited quantity. Gee, it

sounds just like Atkins' diet. Only his book is bigger

and costs more. Pass the Wonder Bread.

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