It is time

for me to write a weekly column.

There is

space that needs filling and my mind could use some

emptying.

The only

question is what to write about.

I could

write about the Fourth of July, but that is overdone. We

know America is a great nation, despite the political

figures we dislike, the unfair tickets given to us by the

police, ungodly traffic and other minor annoyances.

As a

holiday, the Fourth is great. I think of watermelon

dripping down people's chins, the smell of charcoal and

cooking meat permeating the air and an all around sense

of good feeling. People don't even complain about the

weather on the Fourth of July, unless it rains, which

won't happen. I hope.

I could

also write about the All-Star Game, but somehow, somebody

would turn it into a conversation about John Rocker. See,

I had no intention of bringing it up and it came up. It

is a curse. The All-Star Game, which will be held in

Atlanta this year, is a fun event. Most of us will watch

it on television and will still turn it off by the time

the third rate all-stars take the field. (See, again with

the Rocker stuff.)

The new

Harry Potter book comes out next week and I am genuinely

excited, but I'm planning on doing a story on it next

week and don't want to steal my own thunder.

I could

write about love, but that is a private matter and should

remain that way. Too many people try to involve you in

their lives, almost making you an accessory. Whether it

is a talk show, an album, a tell-all book or a silly

little column, people are getting their 15 minutes of

fame by doing nothing more than discussing it loudly.

(Things are going swimmingly for me, though.)

I could

write about my past, but people do that too much too.

There is too much importance placed upon the past. I

agree that it influenced who you are today, but if you

can't move beyond it you have nobody to blame but

yourself. All that stuff that happened to you when you

were six should be long gone. Just because the

neighborhood kids forced you to eat worms, that doesn't

excuse you from eating your spaghetti without a screaming

tantrum.

The other

oft-used column topic lately deals with reality-based

television shows. This is not a new phenomenon. Remember

"Candid Camera"? Was that show about anything

besides making real people look like big idiots before

millions of people?

"Survivor"

- Who cares? The people aren't in any danger; it is on

CBS. Now, if it was on Fox, we might have something.

"Making The Band" - Chronicling the rise of

another boy band? How about a show about how America

survives that?

Well, this

should fill some space nicely and I promise that I will

have a set topic every week and not just a brainstorm of

a column. Future topics will be: Country Monkeys: The New

Billion Dollar Fad; The Dangers of Children's Songs; and

Lesser Known Shakespearean Tragedies.

Until next

week, read this column over and over and become my

hypnotized legions of fans.

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