Here are

the news items you care about, and my corresponding mini

"Top Ten Lists" (Uh, that would be five,

Billy).

Top 5 Indications Elian

Gonzalez is already too Americanized:

5. He has been quoted as

saying he hates John Rocker.

4. Keeps demanding to meet

"Screech" from "Saved By the Bell."

3. Franchised his name to

McDonald's for their new "Little E.G." Happy

Meal Toy.

2. In his video you can

catch a glimpse of cartoon drawing on bed that says,

"Janet Reno Bites."

1. His first words on the

video are translated "Wasssssup!"

Top Five Uses for the New

Testosterone Topical Gel:

5. Women can sneak it into

their too-pretty friend's facial cream and watch her grow

a mustache.

4. Rub it on your dog,

video him chase down and grab your mailman.

3. Men can finally destroy

any urge they ever had to watch ice skating or ask for

directions.

2. Three Words: Macho Nacho

Sauce.

1. Sneak it to your wife

and she'll suddenly want to go see Jean Claude Van Damme

movies with you.

Top Five Debate Topics for

Al Gore and George W. Bush:

5. "The Internet vs.

the Crack Pipe; Greatest Innovations of the 20th

Century."

4. "Why John McCain

Scares the Heck out of Me!"

3. "Best Boy Band:

N'Sync or Backstreet Boys?"

2. "The Economic

Significance of the Supreme Court's Decision on Nude

Dancing." (Or, "Where Will Conventioneers Spend

their Money Now?")

1. "Education Reform

and the Future of Britney Spears."

Top Five Reasons Now is the

Time to Invest in the Stock Market:

5. No good cars worth

spending money on since the Yugo went under.

4. Gun stocks are low since

they have been banned in schools.

3. It's faster than burning

your money.

2. Ted Turner needs the

cash flow to get Bo Derek's skin tightened.

1. You can buy a

telecommunications company for the same price as a ticket

to a Braves' doubleheader.

Top Five Phrases Used by

Local News Anchors:

5. "The gunman was

said to be a quiet man."

4. "Who broke my

hair?" (Off camera).

3. "I stand in front

of the building where just yesterday..."

2. "The woman said her

first-cousin Bubba was asking her for a divorce"

(Alabama and Tennessee only).

1. "You might have

thought you were safe, but now doctors are

saying...."

[Visit Billy Murphy on

the Internet at https://billymurphy.homepage.com .]