(Note: All

the names in this article on World Gym have been changed,

not to protect the innocent but to protect me; as most of

the people that workout there could whip my butt. And I'm

just talking about the women!)

My wife gave me a club

membership at World Gym in Peachtree City for my 42nd

birthday in November. Thus, after approximately 39 days

(six actually working out) I am ready to deliver my

expertise on the fitness experience to help all you lazy,

anemic people who made a New Year's resolution to get

back into shape. Mind you, don't try to keep my pace, but

here is an all-inclusive tour of the professional fitness

center of which I attend.

As I enter the gym I walk

proud, knowing that even though I am 42, I have the body

of a 41-and-a-half-year-old. I generally start my workout

warming up, stretching and then removing the extra weight

of the Snickers bars from my sweat jacket pockets. The

well-trained instructors there always give great lifting

advice as well as hints on how to dislodge my head from

most of the equipment.

Sometimes the gym can be

daunting visually - all the mirrors, protrusions and

plastics. And I'm just talking about the women! Seriously

though, the gym is always brimming with excited members,

pumping, dipping, crunching and curling, none more

excited than the only person I know there, my friend we

will call "Jim Bob." From the first day I came

to the club he would always ask, "Have you seen her

yet? Have you seen hot pants girl?"

Now I truly appreciate that

this gym for the new century is about serious performance

and not like the sweat and mingle shops of the '80s where

lifting took a back seat to "picking up," so I

was surprised my friend was so obvious. He is single,

though, and must be a connoisseur of fashion to notice

the style of a woman's apparel. I believe this woman he

speaks of is a ghost though, a vapor, as I have never

seen her. Yet he still asks, "Have you seen hot

pants girl?"

There are many

"types" in the typical gym setting. The most

serious I see, is a posse of men I have named the

"Free Weight Freddies." These guys are bursting

forth with muscles that I could only wish to attain. They

are about "feel the burn," and "just one

more rep!" They hang together, spot together and

excel together. If the gym were baseball, these guys are

the New York Yankees.

Best thing not to

say: "Hey guys, wanna grab a latt� after the

workout?" Best reason to buddy up: If you have a

flat tire, they can hold you car up while you change it.

The second "type"

I have noticed in the gym are the ones I call

"Married with Biceps." These are mostly women

who want to retain some semblance of their former selves

in spite of having a spouse and kids. They come straight

from work, rushing to fit in a workout before they head

home to a house full of Pokemon toys and discussions on

the benefits of eating broccoli.

Best thing not to

say: "Excuse me, but you have a lollipop stuck to

the back of your shorts." Best reason to buddy up:

When there are disputes over the use of the machines,

they can resolve using just a coloring book and crayons.

The third "type"

in the gym is "Hangout Harry and Harriet." I

have spent hours observing them, and these men and women

never, ever work out. They are the type to take a shower

or put on makeup before they come to the gym. They just

seem to feel they are going to get fit through osmosis.

They stand around chatting, walking around wiping down

machines like they had just done exercises and drink an

awful lot from the water fountain.

Best thing not to

say: "Excuse me, but have you ever bent at the

waist?" Best reason to buddy up: Impeccable fashion,

coordinated outfits and the smell of mouthwash.

The last "type"

at the gym and probably the category I fit into is the

group I call, "ER Bound, It's Just a Matter of

Time." We try our hardest but people always seem to

come up and say. "Are you okay? You look like you're

having a heart attack." This type leaves a lot of

sweat around and mostly has to wear full t-shirts due to

excessive back hair (and I'm just talking about the

women!). A lot of the men like me could probably use a

sports bra.

Best thing not to

say: "Did he faint or is he dead?" Best reason

to buddy up: Can buy their membership card cheap within

two months of sign-up.

Yet no matter what, the

main thing is to work hard, have fun and keep dreaming

that just like Santa Claus, there really is a "hot

pants girl."

[Visit Billy Murphy on

the Web at https://billymurphy.homepage.com .]