Ahhh the

holidays! The most festive time of year for most of

us...Christmas trees, presents, family get-togethers,

special church services...and the music! Lots and lots of

music...cantatas...musicals...children's

programs....caroling. Gives you goose bumps just thinking

about it all, doesn't it?

But for

many, celebrating Christmas is painful. For those who

have lost loved ones-whether in the immediate past

or many years ago-Christmas is a reminder that they

are no longer with us. When families gather, there is an

empty place at the table...an empty place in our hearts.

I am one of

those people...just as many of you are. Most of you are

aware that I lost my husband of only 10 years in 1972. We

were college sweethearts...headed out into life's

adventures with all the energy and passion our youthful

minds could muster. We embarked on his military career,

one we were certain would take us years into the future

and, eventually, into retirement and growing old

together. But in a split second on a cold, gray April

day, that was all cut short.

I was

visiting with a friend. Our children were playing in the

back yard. My husband had been overseas for five months.

I saw the military sedan pull up in front of the house,

but, since my friend was military too, I really didn't

give it much thought. Then, a young lieutenant walked up

to me, asked if I was Mrs. Kilgore, clicked his heels

together and said those fateful words..."Ma'am, it

is my duty to inform you..." I went from military

wife to widowed civilian in the blink of an eye. Death

had left an imprint on me that would never go away.

The most

difficult thing about military wives who are widowed

while their husbands are overseas is that while grief

hits you with an overwhelming blow, reality is slow in

coming. Your loved one has been absent for months. You

are accustomed to not seeing him as you go about your

everyday tasks. You go through the motions of having a

funeral, you cry, hurt and grieve, but when you return

home, things are just as they were. He is still not

there.

My reality

hit on the day he was supposed to have returned

home-Dec. 2. I confess, even thought it was months

later, I sat on the steps in the hall and waited for him

to come through the door, still certain this was all a

bad dream. When he didn't, the grief started all over

again. And I headed into my first Christmas without him.

Anyone who

has lost a loved one can tell you the "firsts"

are the worst-the first Christmas, Easter,

anniversary, birthday-any holiday when families

gather. But, fortunately for me, he left me with a

precious and precocious seven-year-old who kept me going.

Davida and I struggled through that first Christmas

together, and many more after that. With God watching

over us, we made it...and so will you.

Dr. David

Chancey, pastor of McDonough Road Baptist Church, shared

his feelings of grief at losing his father in 1993 and

going through his first Christmas without him. Dr.

Chancey also included some advice about handling

Christmas grief, suggestions taken from an article

written by Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt of the University of

Colorado medical school. Space limitations do not permit

my including the entire article, but I would like to

paraphrase a few of those suggestions:

1. Love

does not end with death. Realize that holiday grief is

unlike everyday grief. Sights, sounds and smells of the

holidays trigger memories of your lost loved one.

2. Talk

about your grief. Ignoring it won't make it go away. Find

caring friends who will listen without judging you.

3.

Eliminate unnecessary stress. Don't take on more than you

can do and don't set expectations too high.

4. Embrace

your treasuries of memories. Instead of ignoring your

memories, share them with family and friends. Memories

were made with love. No one can take them away from you.

And Dr.

Chancey's own suggestion...

5. Make

spiritual preparation, even if you don't feel like being

spiritual. Focusing on the birth of Jesus can give

encouragement in the face of grief. Let God minister to

you and keep a faith perspective.

Dr. Chancey

closes with a particularly touching story...

"Hugh

Litchfield tells about a family whose preschooler had

died that year. The family was having a difficult time

with Christmas. The time came to decorate the tree, and

that was just too much for the mother, and she broke

down.

The oldest

son, six-year-old Jim, said, "You're missing Dougie,

aren't you?"

"Yes,

I'm missing him," the mother replied.

The little

boy said, "I miss Dougie too, but isn't Christmas

the celebration of Jesus' birthday?"

"Yes,

it is."

"And

isn't Dougie with Jesus?"

"Yes,

he is."

Then little

Jimmy replied, "Then I guess he's having more fun

than we are right now, don't you think?"

Enjoy your

holidays...and don't be afraid of memories. Until next

week, keep the faith.

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