My daddy

always said it was just as easy to laugh as to cry, and

that the laughter was good for me. Hope he was right

because I've been breaking out into almost

uncontrollable, though blessedly brief, bursts of

laughter over the past few days.

I think I

really want to cry, but I'm laughing. The mass of

contradictions that consume us are endless, aren't they?

Please

don't tell me you don't harbor contradiction within

yourself. I probably would not believe you, and, if I did

believe you, then I don't think I'd like you.

You are

probably wondering what on earth I'm talking about. It's

those last two columns I wrote, the ones about

simplicity.

My heart

and soul and all my being is crying out for more of it.

More quiet. More calm. More of the simple life.

Yet my

actions are in total opposition to this cry from within.

Been there?

Ah, I feel better. At least I'm not alone.

Or should I

feel worse? I need someone to tell me there is hope, that

a quieter time is just around the bend.

I woke up

around 3 this morning. Normally, if I awake in the night

for whatever reason I just snuggle deep and go back to

sleep.

Instead of

snuggling deeper under the covers in the chill of the

night (I like to sleep with the thermostat down, so

snuggling can be enjoyed - that's one reason I enjoy the

wintertime), I got out of bed and walked all around the

house. I looked out the windows at the stars and the half

moon and the peace that prevailed all around me.

All was

quiet. All was calm. All was bright.

I think I

was hoping to catch a glimpse of a meteor shower. I'm

glad I didn't. Instead, I observed an orderly universe

quietly going about its business.

And what

business is that?

To provide

the backdrop for all us humans to try to make our way in

the world, of course.

Don't you

wonder what God thinks about us? Don't you wonder if he's

proud that we hang in there? Or if he thinks we are

foolish for doing so? If he really sends us suggestions

constantly through the Holy Spirit. Or if he sits back

and watches His creation climb and fall and climb again,

struggle and lose, then struggle and win again...

How much of

our way here is of our own making? How much is already

mapped out before we ever exit our mother's womb?

There was a

time when I accepted so much without question. Whoa!

Wrong. I've probably never accepted anything without

question. The biggest doubting Thomas you can find would

come off as angelic next to me. But, there are times when

I seem able to accept things, ideas, truth maybe...

easier than at other times.

You know,

that may be the biggie here. Truth. It's so elusive.

When Jesus

said, "I am the way, the truth and the life,"

he said a mouthful, didn't he? Truth may be elusive, only

because we are forever looking for it in all the wrong

places.

As a

journalist I have the opportunity to meet many people and

talk to them in depth. Folks from all walks of life. Men

and women with all kinds of belief systems in place. Good

people. Bad people.

And, you

know what? I have to respect who they are, where they

are, what they are. I cannot judge them. I must not judge

them.

But, over

and over, my own belief systems (my faith, that is) is

put to the test. You would think the questioning would

stop one day. Not so. I can be so sure. So certain. So

absolutely positive that nothing could ever cause me to

question God again, and then suddenly I am on that

dizzying merry-go-round of doubt once more.

Luckily, or

blessedly, I don't stay on for long periods of time

anymore. It used to be months, weeks and days. Now, my

times of questioning and doubting only last for minutes.

It's just that those periods come more often than I want

them to. They interfere with my quest for simplicity and

continuous (unrealistic) quiet calm.

Those of

you who are still reading at this point may have recalled

Testament book of James: "Consider it all joy when

you encounter various trials and know that the testing of

your faith produces endurance."

Bottom

line? We are getting tougher every day, aren't we? Hope I

can keep laughing through it all.