With about

60 days left in this century-before impending

Armageddon - it is good to know you can get a good

deal on an Office Max desk stapler. If you haven't

noticed, everybody is offering some end of the millennium

promotion - "Last Great Sale before 2000!"

"Buy Now, Don't Pay 'til the Next Century."

"Beat the Rush for Batteries and Bread Millennium

Extravaganza" - another great marketing idea

brought to fruition.

I love the way everyone has

made Jan. 1, 2000, out to be this amazing, incredible,

stupendous event (worthy of the oh-so-rare Rich's Mall

Sale). Sure, it is an amazing milestone for those who

will be there to witness it, but along with everyone's

"first time," I am here to warn you, there will

be an amazing rush of air when everyone on earth

collectively says, "Is that all there is?"

In contrast, there seem to

be some indicators that hard times could be ahead. Our

banks are warning us to keep our canceled check stubs

(sorta late, isn't it?) and the electric company is

alerting us to the chance they might have screw-ups

(what's new?) but my real fear is the imminent shortage

of beef jerky and Slim Jims. You almost get the feeling

that all the disasters pummeling the East Coast the past

few months are nature's version of a big Hallmark

invitation to the authoritative end of the

century.

Floods, hurricanes,

tornadoes, earthquakes, Al Gore's campaign: all seem to

be indicate that the year 2000 might just be the great

disaster all the doomsday-sayers are predicting. Here are

some other strange signposts that might point to some

sort of supernatural event as the ball drops in Times

Square: The NBA finishes the complete preseason with no

players arrested. Barnie the Dinosaur backhands one of

the Backyard Gang. Detectives in the JonBenet Ramsey case

get their high school equivalency. Richard Simmons gets

married to Brooke Shields.

But still, really. Nothing

is going to happen. A bunch of people are gonna get extra

drunk, a bunch of people are gonna spend a lot of extra

money on partying and a bunch of people are going to

cross the threshold of time thinking, "Whatever

happened to Kirk Cameron?" But still, we should be

able to get some killer deals on J.C. Penney linens.

The year 1999 is the real

loser in all this Y2K hype. Sorta like the runner-up in a

Super Bowl, the year Prince sang about is really just a

big-fat second banana, 365 days of bridesmaid duties with

no honeymoon at the end. Because everyone has been

looking ahead, most of the important events of 1999 were

DOA. It's a shame, too, because we had so much to make

fun of: Monica Lewinsky, Britney Spears, "Eyes Wide

Shut," Ricky Martin, the Olympic Committee, Governor

Jesse Ventura, AOL, "Wild Wild West," O.J.'s

O.D.'d girlfriend, and the population reaching 6 billion.

At least we are ending our

century in a way that represents our culture the best,

with one big shopping spree. Forget Armageddon, forget

the Grim Reaper, just give me those neat Macy's napkin

holders at 15 percent off! My real security that all will

end well came printed right on my new bank card - my

shiny, platinum Visa arrived with the expiration date of

09/03 stamped right on the front. If the Bank of America

has seen fit for us to last at least until 2003, I trust

in them more than any other. And if I'm lucky, there'll

be just a few sales where I can use that card, too.

[Contact Billy Murphy

via e-mail: Billy@ gretsch.com, or on the

Internet at https://billymurphy.homepage.com .]

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