Golly, I

thought I was just a wide-eyed innocent - shocked to

learn that some local high school booster clubs were

selling alcoholic beverages to raise money for

extracurricular activities.

According to a blustery

piece by my counterpart at what is visited upon Fayette

Countians as a "daily newspaper," I'm a

trouble-making "hack" who "loves nothing

better than to cause partisan and ideological community

skirmishes," one who has "made a religion out

of creating controversy and crisis out of the

minutiae."

Golly. Is all that spelled

correctly?

Golly, did our news story

- written by a band parent - really

"damn" the boosters?

Wide-eyed, once-rabid,

long-ago booster me, I just thought we brought the matter

to public attention in what seemed to me to be a story

more sympathetic to the funds-challenged booster clubs

than any "damning" that might be done. I guess

the bit dog hollers.

Well, I am properly

chastised and shamed (see letter to the editor on this

page). And dwarfed by the impeccable logic used by all

the pro-beer boosters - it's legal, we're adults,

get over it. Not to mention that state lottery money is

used to educate our kids and booze-generated tax dollars

pay for classrooms, etc.

I am awed by the

utilitarian efficiency of the fund-raising beer boosters.

If it's legal, then it must be okay.

So I have a Swiftian

proposal: Let's forget this penny-ante beer stuff for a

good cause.

I mean, this is for the

kids, right? This worthy end obviously ennobles all our

sweaty means to raise ever-increasing piles of cash for

absolutely necessary Disneyworld trips and

state-of-the-art cheerleading routines.

Therefore, I propose that

all us sideline hacks set up a top-of-the-line Internet

soft porn site. All legal, you understand. Nothing that

would get us in trouble with the law. And we will allow

only 18 and above "adults" to enter our pricey

risque area. Think of the big bucks we could raise!

It seems that with all us

journalistic "druggies, alcoholics, buffoons,

cry-babies, cheats and liars ... and beer-drinkers ... in

the newspaper business" (Whew! What a

self-portrait!), the least we fellow hacks could do for

the kids is to extend our publishing efforts to the World

Wide Web and the best triple-XXX site in Fayette County!

Think of it - enough moolah to finance new uniforms

for the kids every six months!

A hack bonus: Maybe our

printing quality would improve in cyberspace, and who'd

worry about spell-checking Miss November?

What's that you say? You

are shocked by my proposal?

But why? It's legal. We're

all adults here. And it's for the kids. What's your

problem?

No, hack; you've crossed

the line here. Boosters raising money through the

lucrative and legal business of Internet soft-porn is

unthinkable. What would our kids think? And what would

the community think?

Exactly. Where's the line?

And when is it crossed?

For the record, The Citizen

is offering to donate more than $300 worth of advertising

space each week - a quarter-page ad - during

the appropriate school seasons for all local high school

booster clubs to publicize their time-honored

fund-raising efforts: Selling hot dogs, burgers,

pretzels, lemonade, candy and citrus fruits, etc. We'll

eat the costs to help raise money for the kids.

Just one catch: This offer

is for the clubs that don't sell alcoholic beverages,

cigarettes and other consumables so very obviously

inappropriate for the very kids the money is supposed to

be raised for.

Selling beer is certainly

the right of adults. And they are welcome to raise all

the money they can, without our help or support.

(For the benefit of my

hacked counterpart, Swift was an English satirist. That

means he wrote satires. That means the porn proposal is

an exaggerated joke with a serious point.)

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