If I ever

have a really witty idea for a column, it usually comes

from something my wife pointed out to me, though I never

will allow myself to properly recall it or give her

proper credit.

This column is no exception

as she pointed out how many different clubs and

organizations meet in Fayette County. So, herein are a

few mentions.

Though we are 1,500 miles

away from Roswell, N. M., we still have our very own UFO

club called MUFON, the Mutual UFO Network. With a local

membership of about 60, the group seeks to report and

share information on unidentified flying objects.

Hmmm. Adept at

conspiracies, maybe this is the group to look in on the

Fayette County Board of Education's seemingly

"alien" decisions of late? Maybe the board

members have all been replaced by body snatchers from

another planet? It couldn't have been Mars, though,

because I heard there is no dress code there.

The American Business

Women's Association, ABWA, has a group that meets in

Fayette County. I doubt there are a lot of members from

the Peachtree City area unless shopping for clothes could

be considered "Apparel Investing" or having

your nails done weekly could be considered an

"Appendage Enhancement Enterprise."

I really can't make much

fun since I work in a home office and mostly make calls

in my bare feet. I used to think I was a big supporter of

this group, until someone pointed out to me that ABWA was

not the Swedish rock band from the '70s.

There is a Fayette Society

of Fine Art that meets each month here. I can imagine

they must mostly take road trips to see anything of real

culture. Or, I guess they could make field ventures to

the Days and Holiday inns to compare hotel room

paintings. "Let's see, which do you like better

- the `Trees in fall losing their leaves over a

stream' or the `Flowers in spring swept across a bubbling

brook'?"

There is a TOPS club here:

Taking Off Pounds Sensibly, meeting Fridays at the

All-You-Can-Eat Seafood bar at Shoney's. Okay, that is a

mean joke, but okay, I'm jealous. I should really join

this group. I have spent too many days in my life

forgoing TOPS for IHOPs.

I like the idea that they

say taking the pounds of sensibly. How about a breakout

group, Putting On Pounds Sensibly; POPS for dads out

there like me who have put on all their weight after

having kids. We could come up with "sensible"

reasons to why we are gaining weight: 1. We make soft

cushions for our kids to sleep on. 2. We are hoping to be

featured in one of those advertisements where the husky

guy without a shirt is holding his naked child to his

chest. 3. Building up reserves for Y2K!

Just like the Boy Scouts of

America have been forced to take women as their leaders,

I am thinking about demanding that I get to lead the MOMS

Club of Fayetteville, another cool club. I would bring in

forums on "Why your kid should be potty trained

before he has a potty mouth," "Teletubby

detox," and "Double-dosing the cough syrup,

baby's sleepy-time pal." Okay, DEFACS, I am home

from the hours of 6-11 p.m. nightly.

Last, but not least, in the

"insert your own joke here" category, there is

a NARFE group that meets. They are the National

Association of Retired Federal Employees. As best I hear,

they just get together, someone makes his way to the

podium and begins, "Let me see, my 30 years

`working' (hands up making quote marks) for the

government..." Then the whole audience breaks into

laughter, lasting usually until the middle of the night.

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