Is there

anything out there that they aren't trying to package and

sell on the Internet? How about these world events:

The battle of the century

is heating up and it's not Holyfield against responsible

parenting, either. It's Clinton and Al Gore. Ever since

Gore came out three weeks ago and said Clinton's actions

with Monica were "inexcusable," the infighting

has been building. It quite resembles a bad episode of

"Gilligan's Island," too. The only thing

missing is Skipper Bill taking off his cap and hitting

the skinny doofus over the head with it.

I'm sure President Clinton

is feeling a little left out of the party right now

anyway. Hillary is going off to New York to politick, his

vice president is trashing him in the press and

McDonald's just discontinued the "Two Double

Cheeseburgers for $2" program.

Bill Clinton is facing the

worst fear of any man who is ambitious enough to make it

to the White House: he is being ignored. You can see it

in his face: he was enjoying the negative strokes of

Kenneth Starr more than he's enjoying the non-strokes of

the current climate. And like most men he is taking it

out on his pseudo-spouse Al Gore.

Word has it, he has taken

up one-on-one with Bill Bradley just to make Al paranoid.

Word has it Clinton has scored that last major hit by

calling Gore's dry cleaning and telling them to leave the

quadruple starch out of Al's boxer shorts.

Do your kids have a lawyer

yet? Might think about securing "Delinquents R

Us." Not to mention the way schools are cracking

down on kids even if they mention the word

"gun," Louisiana has put law into effect

forcing kids to address teachers as "Ma'am" or

"Sir." (For female P.E. coaches and male drama

teacher either title will do fine).

Utah has barred teens from

driving between midnight and 5 a.m. Tennessee and Indiana

have made it illegal to get pierced without parent

approval and South Dakota is fining kids for smoking.

Also by January of next year the V Chip (preventing kids

from viewing violence) must be in every television sold

with a screen 13 inches or larger. (Violence that is

viewed really tiny must cause no harm?)

Wow, they are really

cracking down on kids. The next motto of "Planned

Parenthood" will be, "When having kids becomes

criminal, only criminals will have kids." I have

heard tell already of a 16-year-old who was sentenced to

life in prison for driving late-night cross-country to

pick up a pack of cigarettes at a piercing parlor.

Evidently she could have gotten probation until they

discovered she didn't address the arresting officer as

"Mister" Pig.

Last but not least is the

story of the 13-year-old kid who got everyone going with

his fable of how he traveled alone with just a few bucks

from Honduras to New York City in search of his lost

father. Everyone in the city was swooping down on him to

give assistance (trampling on thousands of homeless

Americans, I'm sure) because of his epic journey.

Turns out, he was a fake.

He was actually just trying to raise the cash to make it

to a "Back Street Boys" concert. The mayor and

police force, reacting rather harshly, instead forced him

to attend a double bill featuring Celine Dion and John

Tesh. Horrors. The punishment should have fit the crime.

In turn he was awarded $6

million in a lawsuit brought against McDonald's because

they ran out of Tarzan Happy Meal toys and he got stuck

with a slide whistle. He is living the American dream.

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