This

article is for women. You have to think back to what I

would look like young and you should recognize. I was the

"Guy Friend." Not the boyfriend. Just the guy

friend. You know, the guy who sat with you in science lab

or whatever, the guy who was safe. You know, you could

laugh together and go places. But it was always strictly

platonic.

Mainly, the guy friend is

sorta like the insurance policy for the girl. You got

your life insurance, your accidental, your disability and

your "No one asked me out Friday night, I can do

something with Billy insurance." But girls, you know

you're taking a risk 'cause you know the worst thing that

could ever happen, eventually will. The guy friend starts

to like you.

This is like one of those

chemical spills out in the ocean. You know the ones where

10 gallons of chemicals spill into a 300-square-mile bay

and pollutes the whole thing. I mean, 'cause once the

"I like you" is out there, it's over. The

convenient, self-serving relationship, for you, is

history.

That's why you girls try to

prevent it when you see it coming. This is when the guy

starts turning everything said into compliments and

little displays of affection, no matter how lame they

are. And we know they are lame, 'cause if he was any good

at this, he wouldn't be a guy friend to begin with.

You know the drill -

you are discussing a math test, for instance, and you say

something like, "Boy, those algebra problems were

hard." And he returns something like, "Yeah,

those figures were bad, too, but yours still looks

great!" No matter how you try to get him off the

subject of liking you, he has a comeback.

A typical conversation

would be like, "Hey, Billy, did you see the

fireworks show this weekend?" "No, but I don't

need to you, you are all the fireworks I need." Then

you return, "But, uh... I hear a guy caught on fire

and burned up." "I know how that is, I feel the

same way when I am around you." "But... uh...

an ambulance came and everything... " (how's he

gonna twist this one around?) "Oh yeah? Well, we

should get married and become doctors one day, so we

could be a pair a medics together."

So, anyway, no matter how

hard you try, he finally says it and it is over. "I

like you." When that happens you girls go into Code

Red status.

The United States

Department of Defense has nothing on you girls. Once the

guy issues the "I like you," he is never gonna

get within sight distance of you again. You have your

girlfriends running interference. You got your mom

screening phone calls. You've got a tracking device

hidden somewhere on his body so you can trace his every

move electronically to assure he never gets to you.

That's always why you give

us something at the beginning of the friendship. It's

seemingly something insignificant, like a prom picture of

you and your boyfriend or you lend him your pen and tell

him to keep it. The items are the latest in espionage

technology. Just in case the "I like you" is

ever issued.

I mean, I was friends with

like four or five girls in high school and I told them,

"I like you." I have never seen a single one of

them, ever again. I am like the pubescent mafia and they

are like in the witness protection program of

adolescence.

But at least I do have that

one phrase to hold on to, that I should have known would

prevent anything from every happening. "Oh, Billy,

you're so nice !"

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