Guest Columnist

In the past month I have

driven just under 3,000 miles. In addition to developing

a permanent callous on my backside, I believe I have

gained some understanding into that curious sociological

event of the 1990s known as "road rage."

Now, first of all, I must

issue a disclaimer stating that never, never - no,

not ever - is it permissible, acceptable, or

tolerable for emotions to be allowed to gain the upper

hand on the highways. There is never an excuse to harm a

fellow traveler - at least not unless one is

defending his life and property.

Having said that, I believe

that I have observed some behaviors that often send even

the most passive motorist over the edge. For example,

some people are just stupid drivers. There, I said it!

I'm not even sorry!

Some people simply cannot,

will not, or are too brain-cell-challenged to obey even

the simplest rules of the road. For example, I find a

tremendous number of people who are apparently unaware

that the "passing lane" (the left hand lane) is

for cars that are actually passing. They, and there are

multitudes of them, travel along in the passing lane

blissfully unaware that people behind them would actually

like to - pass!

Move over to the right hand

lane, you idiot! Er, sorry about that. The right hand

lane is for slower traffic, the left for passing. All

together now... repeat that, please.

And how about the driver

who leaves his turn signal on for at least seven miles

before deciding to turn in the opposite direction? Or the

motorist that turns on his parking lights (not his head

lights) at dawn and at dusk. What the heck is he doing

- trying to save energy? Or those that turn their

lights on high-beam, never turning them off, blinding

every driver between Atlanta and Orlando.

I truly believe that every

three years or so, motorists should be subjected to a

"refresher course" consisting of simple rules

of the road as found in the driver's manual.

Another behavior that tends

to bring out the aggression in otherwise calm people is

the insistence of some on listening to radios or tape

players in such a manner that the noise can be heard 73

miles away.

Recently, I was in a

Chinese restaurant, seated at a booth, in Lakeland, Fla.

Suddenly, vibrations rumbled through the brick walls and

into my booth. The vibrations were so intense that the

water in the drinking glass looked like it was in the

middle of an earthquake! Patrons looked at each other in

wide-eyed terror, wondering, perhaps, if some diabolical

entity had arrived to usher in the end of life as we know

it. The horrible sound drowned out the mood music that

was playing inside the eating establishment.

I quickly pulled back the

curtains to look outside and there was a black

automobile, windows wide open, stopped at a traffic

light, with a bouncing, swaying driver, caught in the

throes of decibel ecstasy, blasting the entire community

with his brand of noxious music. In that moment, I wanted

to pull out a .45 and blow the tape deck into oblivion.

Fortunately, the light

changed and the driver went on down the road to afflict

someone besides me! But have you ever noticed that such

an individual never, ever listens to classical music,

gospel, country, or even "oldies"? No, it's

always heavy metal or rap, forms of music (so-called)

designed to annoy and irritate. Just once, I want to hold

my speaker out the window and blast the eyelashes off the

other motorist with 100,000 giga-decibels of

"Beethoven's Fifth" or at least a powerful

arrangement of "A Hard Day's Night."

And then there are the

people who use the automobile as a dressing room, mobile

office, and personal grooming space. How many times have

you seen someone stopped at a red light digging plaque

and debris out of their teeth with a toothpick or a

finger nail? Or a man preening himself while looking in

the mirror, combing and spraying his hair at 85 miles per

hour? Or a lady smearing lipstick on her pursed lips

while creeping along at a snail's pace while you are in a

tearing hurry? Or the guy in the pickup truck who scrapes

the wax out of his ear and then rolls it around between

his fingers, before throwing the mess out the window?

Just the other day, I

glanced over to the right to see a strikingly beautiful

blonde in her early 20s, the picture of feminine

beauty... until I noticed her slender index finger buried

clear up to the third knuckle in her left nostril. Geeze.

For my wife's part, she is

infuriated by certain behaviors as well. For example,

people who fail to give a turn signal and then whip their

vehicle suddenly across traffic just burn her up. But

probably not as much as the people who, a mile before

they make their turn, give the signal and begin to slow

to 20 miles an hour at least a half-mile before the turn,

causing every motorist to slam on the brakes in an effort

to avoid a 10-car pileup.

Well, there's my expert

- maybe not "expert" - opinion on the

causes of road rage. Now, I have to go... I think I left

my brush and hair spray in the front seat of the car.

[Father

David Epps is rector of Christ the King Church. He may be

contacted at [email protected] or at P. O. Box

2192, Peachtree City, GA 30269.

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