I am the

president of a morning breakfast club that meets at

Arby's in Peachtree City about once a week. There's not a

meeting calendar, a membership fee, or even a membership,

actually. I am the only one in the organization so far.

It's a great club.

I usually have a sausage

croissant each week as I try to think of how to

"theme" this club. I first thought that it

should be an "Anti-Vent" group where we the

members would seek to rid the world of people who think

they are funny just because the Atlanta Journal prints

their tired, sexist jokes, retreaded cliches and old

Jerry Seinfeld material. (These are the same people who

think forwarding lame jokes through e-mail makes them

comedians.)

Maybe our fraternity -

the antithesis of the "morning gym person,"

- eating hash browns and cinnamon rolls, could call

ourselves "Future Pacemakers of America."

Yet, I am getting ahead of

myself. I am the only person in this club.

Groucho Marx once said that

he would never join any organization desperate enough to

have him as a member. In contrast, I want to be the head

of a club so exclusive that no one deserves invitation

except for myself. It's pretty hard being arrogant,

though, when I sit alone sharing the diner with two

construction workers who think hygiene is what you say

before you say, "Bye, Gene." Yet, one day, I

believe that I will start this club and it will make a

difference in the world.

I would have a very

important mantra for my club: We, the Billy Murphy Club,

believe in ambition, hard work and the right to call

near-nude swimsuit modeling an official sport worthy of

its own magazine issue. We believe that paying taxes is a

privilege, even though most of the money goes to provide

jobs for overweight alcoholics who by no other means

could afford a mistress. We the Billy Murphy Club believe

cholesterol levels should be higher as your weight goes

up (is not a 160-pound man with a cholesterol level of

180 worse off than a 280-pound man with a cholesterol

level of 260?).

We believe in life, liberty

and the right of Sylvester Stallone to wear glasses so he

"seems" smarter. We believe that tai bo is for

suckers who don't realize backwards it just says,

"bow tie." The same goes for "Evian"

which is just "naive" spelled backward.

We, the Billy Murphy Club,

believe it is every person's right to freedom of speech,

freedom of religion, and free ketchup at McDonald's

without having to ask.

We believe in every

person's right to park diagonally in two spaces when they

have a new car. And lastly, we believe that however many

fig newtons are stuck together, that is how God intended

us to eat them.

Who am I kidding? Who is

going to join my morning breakfast club or even be able

to pass the initiation ritual of visiting a stranger's

bathroom and NOT looking inside the medicine cabinet?

I will just continue

holding my meetings alone, voting down any kind of

change, issuing statements criticizing any move Ellen

Degeneres makes.