"That is the most

spoiled child I've ever seen." I've heard words like

this since I was a child myself. I don't doubt that

people are seeing inappropriate behaviors in these

children, but I do question their interpretation of the

behaviors they see. I do not believe it is possible to

spoil a child in the way most people think about it.

At this point I'm sure that

some of you are ready to quit reading, but before you

give up on this article let me explain what I mean.

Traditional wisdom says that we should not give our

children too much of anything - too much candy, too many

toys, too much coddling, too much affection - or we might

spoil them. Frankly, I disagree with most of these

statements. I think part of our cultural problems these

days is that we don't give each other enough affection

and attention and I don't think there is a direct

relationship between toys or affection and being

"spoiled."

Where we may find a common

ground is in the interpretation of misbehavior. Children

who are given a lot of anything (in the absence of

discipline) often expect their immediate needs to be met

right away. When their wants are not met immediately or

when they don't get their way, they throw tantrums. We

call this being "spoiled." I choose to use the

term "undisciplined." A child who is

disciplined will learn to put his or her needs aside on

occasion, regardless of how many toys he or she has.

Parents sometimes fail to

realize that both things are possible. You can give a

child frequent attention, but also teach the child

discipline. A child can have a room full of toys and

still learn discipline. If this were not so, all rich

children would be spoiled and all underprivileged

children would not be spoiled. The fact is, children from

very affluent homes, when they are disciplined

appropriately, can exhibit exemplary behavior. Likewise,

children from homes where financial struggle is the norm,

can exhibit "spoiled" behavior when they are

undisciplined.

How can we both teach

discipline and give our children the things they want and

need? I suggest that we teach restraint, patience, and

self-control by NOT buying every toy, article of

clothing, or video game that our children ask for. This

may seem to contradict what I said in the above

paragraphs, but if you read carefully, I did not say that

buying everything a child wants is a good thing. I've

known children to grow up in homes where they rarely got

anything new because their parents didn't want to spoil

them. I believe that this is false logic that needs to be

balanced with buying a toy every time a child asks for

it. We may have the money to buy something a child wants,

but learning to wait is part of being disciplined.

Waiting also applies to

attention and affection. I am willing to hold, hug, kiss,

and snuggle with my children all the time. However, there

are times when I can't because I am either working on

something or I'm busy with another child. Having the

child wait doesn't mean that I won't snuggle at all. It

means that she will have to wait a few minutes. Again,

setting aside immediate gratification teaches

self-discipline, but I'm not spoiling them when I love my

children. Keep in mind, I don't have my children wait

just because I'm not interested in being with them at the

moment. I keep them waiting if I think it will teach them

something. For example, have you ever noticed that once

you get on the phone or when you are showing attention to

one child, a sibling suddenly needs your undivided

attention? This is a great time to teach the child

self-control and patience.

Psychologists got a bad

reputation (deservedly so) in the 1970's by suggesting

that we give children everything they want. This

philosophy created a group of children who were selfish,

obnoxious, and unwilling to look toward the needs of

others. While some may call this "spoiling" I

believe this describes lack of discipline. As a rule, I

don't think we give our children enough attention and

affection. Showing affection and buying presents in the

absence of standards of conduct creates undisciplined

children. Frequent affection in the presence of a

disciplined home creates altruistic, polite, and

well-rounded children.

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