Pablo Picasso once said, "If only we could pull out our brain and use only

our eyes." This quote again proves that he was about as wacked out as the

Halloween psycho on a double cappuccino.

But, I did contemplate my eyes this week as I made a friendly visit to see

my vision care giver, Dr. David Johnson. It made me realize we should all open

our eyes to the fact that it is short-sighted to neglect our ... uh... eyes.

The "All Eyes" office in Peachtree City is a rather fun place to visit if

you are bored. When you enter, instead of the typical greeting, "Hello, how

are you?" they say, "Boy, are you a sight

for sore eyes!"

Fresh flowers are put out daily: Irises. They always play REM on the

sound system and they like to play practical jokes. They hang nothing on the

wall except out-of-focus pictures. They also use just 10-watt bulbs in all the lamps.

The doctor's favorite trick is during the checkup. He shines his pen light

into your eyes and then shrieks, "Nurse, oh my gosh.. I accidentally used my

radial-catotonomy laser!" They just laugh and laugh until the tears start rolling.

Then you read the eye chart and it spells out, "Your fly is open." Can you believe

the optic nerve of them?

It reminds me of the old Garry Shandling joke where he is behind

the large machine that reads your vision. He says his doctor tells him he is going

to have to wear that device all the time. Just what a single guys wants to

hear, Garry says; You are out at a bar or club picking up chicks and you go,

"Hey, girls... better or worse?"

Actually, the other day when I went to the eye doctor's office, I was just

there to have my contacts polished. I wear hard lenses or "gas perms" as those

of us in the optical know would say, but of late, I have been wearing my

glasses 100 percent of the time. Tired of being Mr. Four-Eyes, I thought I would

give contacts one more try. The nurses, assistants and such were giving me

help and tips when suddenly I figured it out, "You mean you're supposed to

remove the contacts before you sanitize them with the boiling

saline solution?!"

If eyes are the windows of the soul, then I need blinds. I

really shouldn't tell too much about Dr. Johnson's office, it

might become too popular and busy (and yes, he looks like

Wink Martindale). I should keep a lid on it. Letting this secret out,

I could get 40 lashes.

Of course, most of you readers could hire a private

eye and find where his office is anyway. I don't know, I'm

not really an expert at this; I'm just a pupil.

Point is, I am wearing contacts again and I appreciate

the assistance I received from the gang at "All Eyes." Maybe

I should take them all to see the new movie "Snake Eyes."

Or we could rent a James Bond video, "For Your Eyes Only"

or "Golden Eye."

Maybe after, we could eat at I-Hop. I really must stop

now. This couldn't get much cornea.

<!--##############