Question Mark on College #23

Dear Mark,

Our daughter is a senior at a high school here in Fayette. She applied Early Action to UGA and Georgia Tech, and UGA has been her dream school since she was in fourth grade. She has a 3.9, she’s taken every AP her school offers, and she’s treasurer of three clubs.

Decisions haven’t come out yet, and the waiting is eating our house alive.

She checks the portal like it’s a slot machine. Last week a friend told her that her older brother got “deferred” last year and that a deferral is “just a slow no.” Now it’s the only word she can think about. She’s convinced that’s what’s coming.

Here’s what worries me more. Since she hit submit, she’s checked out. Her calculus grade is slipping. She has three other applications due over winter break and hasn’t opened a single one. When I bring them up, she says, “What’s the point if I don’t get into UGA?”

My husband says she’s earned a break. I’m not so sure.

So I have two questions. If it is a deferral, what does that actually mean, and is there something we’d need to do? And how do I get her moving again right now without turning every dinner into a fight?

— Feeling Helpless

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Dear Feeling Helpless,

The waiting really is the hardest part. Your daughter has done the work, hit submit, and now her whole future feels like it’s sitting on someone else’s desk. No wonder she’s refreshing that portal. I hear some version of your letter from families across the country every November, so you’re in very good company.

So let’s take the scary word first.

What a deferral means. If a college defers her, it hasn’t said no. It’s said “not yet.” Her application moves into the Regular Decision round and gets another look. When I ran an admissions office, deferrals usually came down to timing. We liked the student, but we weren’t ready to commit a seat before seeing the rest of the applicant pool or the student’s senior grades.

UGA says this on its own deferred-applicant page. Deferred students have been identified as academically competitive, and the university is careful with early offers until it sees the full Regular Decision pool. UGA also says a large number of deferred students are eventually offered admission.

That’s not a promise. A deferral is a real maybe. But it isn’t a slow no, and your daughter’s friend is wrong about that, but I’m sure he felt that way.

Now here’s what I most want you to hear. The decision isn’t what’s in her hands right now. What she does over the next eight weeks is, and she’s letting that time slip.

Think about how a pilot works. Before every flight, the pilot files a flight plan, and it always includes an alternate airport in case the first one can’t take the plane. Pilots don’t wait until they’re circling to figure that out. They plan it on the ground, while the sky is clear.

Your daughter’s flight is about to leave. Let’s file her plan now.

Tell her the truth about her fall grades. If UGA or Georgia Tech defers her, her senior grades become part of the decision. Georgia Tech requires deferred students to send an updated transcript with fall senior grades. UGA takes mid-year grades from deferred students. That calculus grade she’s letting slide could turn out to be the very thing an admissions office is waiting to see. Your husband is half right: she has earned a break. Put it on the calendar for the day after finals.

File the alternate before takeoff. I don’t think your daughter is lazy. I think her whole plan has one runway, and when everything rides on one answer, nothing else feels worth doing. So help her build a second runway. Make it small. Pick one of the three applications and one evening this week. Sit with her, open it, and look at what she’d actually love about that school, whether that’s a program, a city, or a team. Get one essay drafted before UGA’s decision arrives. Momentum comes back one finished task at a time, and a student with real alternates waits a lot more calmly.

Read the deferral instructions together now, before you need them. UGA’s Deferred Applicant FAQ is public. It says deferred students should not reapply, that they can add new information through an Application Update Form on the applicant status page through January 31, and that mid-year grades can come from the student or the school counselor. Read it with her on a calm night this week. If the word “deferred” shows up, it’ll come with a plan attached instead of landing like a crash.

Agree now on what you’ll say on decision day. Whatever happens, she’ll look at your face first. If she’s admitted, celebrate loudly. If she’s deferred, skip “it’s basically a yes,” because you don’t know that, and skip “they made a mistake.” Try this: “They didn’t say no. They said not yet. And we already know what to do.” If the answer is no, the alternates she finished this month become the whole point.

If it’s a deferral, don’t flood the tower. No weekly letters to the admissions office and no stack of extra recommendations. If a college invites an update, send one. Keep it to one page, include only what’s new, and have her write it herself.

Here’s what I’ve seen over the years. Motivation comes back when the plan does. Teenagers shut down when the future feels like one coin flip. Your job this month isn’t to push harder. It’s to help her see more than one good place to land. Ask her which school she’d still be proud to attend if UGA weren’t on the list. Then go see it over winter break.

File the plan. Finish the alternates. Keep the grades up. Then let her refresh the portal all she wants.

-Mark

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Mark Cruver is the Founder of Capstone Educational Consultants in Peachtree City, GA. With over 20 years of combined experience in higher education admissions and independent practice, providing individualized college, career, and essay advising, Mark has assisted hundreds of students and families with their college admissions decisions as one of only six Certified Educational Planners in Georgia. Mark’s new book, Before You Tour Another College, is now available.

For more information, email Mark at [email protected]—he will be happy to help!