Ask Margar-etiquette about My Daughter’s Road Rage

Dear Margar-etiquette,

I’ve really enjoyed your recent columns on extending grace to others, but I can’t seem to get my daughter to apply those same principles behind the wheel. 

My adult daughter has a long commute, and I’m often on the phone with her while she’s driving. She gets so frustrated with other drivers that almost every trip turns into a running commentary about “bad drivers.” By the time she gets home or arrives at work, she has another “tale from the road” to tell.

I’ve suggested listening to podcasts, audiobooks, music, and even practicing deep breathing, but nothing seems to help. More than anything, I worry about the stress it’s creating and whether it’s affecting her safety. How can I encourage her to be a little more gracious toward other drivers?

Worried about my baby

Dear Worried,

First, let me thank you for raising a concern that I suspect is more common than many of us realize. We tend to think of road rage as someone screaming, making rude gestures, or driving aggressively. But often it begins much earlier, with the stories we tell ourselves about the people sharing the road with us.

If you’ve been following my recent columns, you may have noticed a common thread: many of our etiquette challenges begin not with another person’s behavior, but with the assumptions we make about that behavior. Whether we’re interacting with a family member, a customer service representative, or a stranger behind the wheel, we rarely know the whole story. Yet we often fill in the blanks as though we do.

Secondly, a stressful commute doesn’t end when you pull into the parking lot. If every drive is filled with irritation, judgment, and frustration, you’re carrying that emotional weight into your workplace, your home, and your relationships. That’s a heavy way to begin (or end) the day.

One of the biggest mindset shifts we can make is recognizing that not everyone who drives differently than we do is a bad driver. Some drivers are inexperienced. Some are overly cautious. Some are unfamiliar with the area. Some are distracted by crying children in the back seat or an aging parent in the passenger seat. Others may simply have different comfort levels behind the wheel than we do. And yes, some people do truly drive carelessly. But they’re usually the exception, not the rule. 

Please share this perspective with your daughter. 

We tend to judge other drivers by a single moment while judging ourselves by our overall intentions. 

• When someone hesitates at a green light, we think, “They’re not paying attention.”
  • When we hesitate, it’s because we were being careful.
• When someone merges slowly, they’re incompetent.
  • When we merge slowly, it’s because we couldn’t see around the truck beside us.
• When someone drives below the speed limit, we assume they’re clueless.
  • When we drive below the speed limit, it’s because we’re looking for an address, watching for a turn, or navigating unfamiliar roads. 

We naturally give ourselves the benefit of the doubt. Etiquette invites us to extend a little of that same grace to others.

Here’s another idea you might share with your daughter.

Instead of collecting “tales from the road,” start collecting examples of courtesy. Notice the driver who lets someone merge, the person who waves thank you, the school crossing guard standing in the heat, or the truck driver who leaves room for traffic to enter the highway.

What we look for, we tend to find. If we spend our commute searching for inconsiderate drivers, we’ll probably find plenty of them. But if we begin noticing moments of patience, kindness, and cooperation, we’ll discover those are happening too.

Perhaps the greatest gift we can give ourselves behind the wheel is to remember that driving is a shared experience, not a competition. Everyone is simply trying to get somewhere safely. As I have said before, a generous interpretation may not always be the correct one, but it’s often the kindest place to begin. And in this case, that kindness doesn’t just benefit the other driver. It makes the journey lighter for us as well.

Where manners meet real life,

Margar-etiquette