Ask Margar-etiquette about Unintentional Rudeness

Dear Margar-etiquette,

Last week, I heard a term I had never heard before: unintentional rudeness. I wonder if I am guilty of this. Can you explain what it means and share how I can be more aware of this behavior in myself and others?

Doing My Best

Dear Doing My Best,

Just by noticing this new term, wondering if it might apply to you, and taking the time to ask about it, you’re already ahead of the game. Self-awareness is one of the most overlooked components of good manners, and I appreciate the opportunity to talk about a topic that affects all of us.

Unintentional rudeness is exactly what it sounds like: saying or doing something that offends, inconveniences, or hurts another person without meaning to. Most of us don’t wake up intending to be rude. Yet, most of us have probably been unintentionally rude at one time or another.

Why does it happen?

Sometimes we’re distracted or stressed. Sometimes we don’t recognize another person’s social cues. We may misunderstand tone, facial expressions, or body language. Communication styles also differ across families, generations, cultures, personalities, and even professions. What feels perfectly normal to one person may come across as dismissive, insensitive, or intrusive to another.

Other times, we become so focused on our own thoughts, stories, or responsibilities that we don’t notice how our behavior is affecting those around us.

Unintentional rudeness can show up in surprisingly ordinary ways.

It might be hijacking a conversation because you’re excited to share your own experience. It could be interrupting because you don’t want to forget your thought. It may look like emotionally unloading on someone who isn’t prepared to carry your burden. It could be making plans with the best of intentions but repeatedly canceling at the last minute. Sometimes it’s asking questions that are too personal, assuming a level of familiarity that hasn’t been earned, commenting on someone’s appearance, using a nickname they haven’t invited, dominating a discussion, or responding so emotionally that others no longer feel comfortable sharing their own perspective.

None of these behaviors necessarily come from a lack of kindness. More often, they come from a lack of awareness.

One of the healthiest assumptions we can make is that every one of us, including ourselves, is an imperfect communicator. No matter how much we care about someone, we don’t always say what we mean, and others don’t always hear what we intended. That’s true whether we’re talking with a spouse, a sibling, a lifelong friend, a coworker, or someone we’ve just met. When we remember that, we become a little slower to take offense and a little quicker to ask for clarification. Instead of thinking, “They were trying to be rude,” we can ask ourselves, “Is there another way to interpret what they meant?” 

Likewise, when someone tells us that our words landed poorly, we can resist the urge to become defensive and instead become curious. Our intentions matter, but so does our impact. Both deserve our attention.

Of course, unintentional rudeness doesn’t excuse repeated behavior. If someone continues to disregard your feelings after you’ve addressed the issue, that’s no longer about misunderstanding; it’s about choice. But many everyday conflicts can be prevented or resolved when we begin with the assumption that we’re all imperfect communicators trying to connect the best way we know how.

If you’re trying to avoid unintentional rudeness, start here: 

1. Assume good intentions, 
2. Communicate with humility, and 
3. Offer the same grace to others that you hope they will extend to you.

That’s where understanding begins and where good manners truly shine.

Where manners meet real life,

Margar-etiquette