City pops long-standing joy balloon of the 4th of July Parade with new stern-faced prohibitions

I received an email from Mimi Gentilini, she of Mimi’s Good Foods fame, and a multi-year entrant in Peachtree City’s Fourth of July Parade, who has some concerns about new rules about parade entrants. She writes as follows:

Here’s a copy of the party-pooper, spoil-sport city rules sent to all parade participants (bold-faced emphasis added by me):

“The route is approximately 2 miles. Anyone walking the route (spotters, marching band members, etc.) MUST be physically capable of walking two miles WITHOUT STOPPING.

“Giveaways

“• TOSSING OF CANDY & OTHER ITEMS IS NOT PERMITTED. To prevent spectators from entering the parade route to retrieve items, all entries planning to hand out items MUST have spotters walking alongside both sides of their entry to hand out items without stopping. NO LOOSE CANDY THROWING IS ALLOWED. Candy and small items must be contained within bags or by other means.

“• Pencils, pens, sports bottles, LOLLIPOPS, sharp objects, water balloons, FRUIT or any item which may present a hazard are NOT allowed.

“• PARADE PARTICIPANTS ARE NOT PERMITTED TO WALK THROUGH THE CROWD OF SPECTATORS TO DISTRIBUTE GIVEAWAYS as this causes a dangerous gap in the parade. You must be moving forward at all times.

“• Parade participants are not allowed to SQUIRT WATER GUNS, SPRAY SILLY STRING OR WATER, OR THROW CONFETTI. THIS INCLUDES CONFETTI CANNONS.

“Preventing Gaps

“Please be aware of the dangers of gaps in the parade! Small children and other spectators have been known to enter the street during a gap, believing that the parade is over, and this places them directly in the path of oncoming parade vehicles. For this reason, the following rules MUST be observed:

“• Campaigning is NOT permitted.

“• Participants are not allowed to perform demonstrations that require stopping (such as dance routines, cheerleading routines, bicycle figure eights, dribbling balls, sword fights, workouts of any kind etc.).

“• Appropriate music is allowed and encouraged, but STOPPING TO PERFORM IS NOT!

“Other Safety Policies

“• SPOTTERS ARE REQUIRED TO WALK ON EACH SIDE OF ALL ENTRIES LARGER THAN A GOLF CART FOR THE ENTIRE LENGTH OF THE VEHICLE. Spotters MUST be age 16 or older. The purpose of a spotter is to keep the crowds safely away from the parade vehicle and may hand items out as they continue walking. They may not encourage spectators to enter the parade route for any reason and may not enter the crowd to hand items out. THEY MUST STAY WITH THE VEHICLE AT ALL TIMES. SPOTTERS MAY NOT THROW CANDY OR OTHER ITEMS.

“• All floats or trucks carrying riders ARE REQUIRED to have side rails at least 36” high around riders and must have hand holds for standing participants. Sitting on the sides of pick-up truck beds is not allowed.

“• PARTICIPANTS ARE NOT PERMITTED TO EXIT AND RE-ENTER A FLOAT, OR ANY VEHICLE, ONCE THE PARADE HAS STARTED.(!!!!)”

????????????????????????????????

So, are you — like me — wondering how have we survived all these decades of parades without such heavy-handed nanny rules?

In keeping with the party-pooper spirit replacing a once joyously open parade, city council members and city staff responsible for imposing these happiness-dampening rules are hereby sentenced to roll along at the bitter end of the parade on never-lubricated oversize skateboards.

They are not allowed to dismount until they arrive at The Fred, where they will doubtlessly be gasping for breath while thinking of other ways to hog-tie anybody who might be suspected of nostalgically remembering the fun parades of the past.

To all else, Happy Fourth of July, and fly your Stars and Stripes with pride.

[Cal Beverly is editor and publisher of The Citizen since 1993. He has reared children — now grown — who somehow managed to grab Tootsie Rolls and other tossed candies at multiple parades over many years without major injuries.]