Peachtree City: ‘Lost’ in year 2025

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It goes without saying that due in part to demographic patterns, the significance of the current recession, the ineptitude of our current City Council, and the outright obsession of city employees to protect their positions of self-importance, the average age of Peachtree City‘s employees and population will have risen significantly by the year 2025.

To illustrate, we merely have to observe a typical day at City Hall while the Secretary to the Assistant to the Deputy City Clerk deals with current issues.

It seems the hot topic of the day revolves around a disturbance at the McIntosh High Retirement Village; the high school was converted to senior use a few years back as no students remain.

It seems the local octogenarians are upset that that one of their own was ticketed for tossing his slightly used adult diaper into a glass recycle bin that was located beside the proper receptacle.

The offense was alleged to have occurred near the old boat ramp currently used as a wheelchair/scooter recreation area across the lake from Drake Field.

Further, since the alleged offense took place very late in the day, the Second Deputy to the Assistant Police Chief has added the charge of lewd and indecent behavior since the culprit tested positive for Viagra on a routine field drug test at the time of arrest and by his physical condition.

No witnesses are said to have actually observed the lewd behavior, but the second deputy to the assistant chief is certain that he can locate someone with vision correctable to 35-40.

When interviewed, the arresting officer was overly concerned that this was only his fifth arrest of an elderly person on today’s shift and his quota was seven as handed down by his nine supervisors.

The officer did, however, refuse to comment regarding the defendant’s claim of having to relieve himself with assistance.

Meanwhile, the actual Assistant Chief of Police reports from the scene at McIntosh Village that as many as 250 walker-bound residents have taken over the former gymnasium, forming a cordon of stainless steel walking aides around the building.

Chants of “police brutality” and ”Kumbaya” were heard among the wheezing and portable oxygen tank clanking.

Additionally, a motorcade of golf carts, scooters, and a few hijacked Kroger motorized shopping carts filled with cane-wielding Vietnam veterans are reported to be moving north from town center to reinforce their brethren and to insure their objection to the city garnishing their Social Security checks to make up for budget shortfalls is made part of the protest.

Additionally, it was rumored that remnants of the infamous Peachtree City Pucker Factor Liars Club have stormed the Gathering Place demanding an increased allowance of Geritol, Metamucil and Bud Lite. It is still unclear if golf carts equipped with gun racks belonging to renegade septuagenarians King, Garlock and Franz have been detained, but rumors to that effect have caused one former mayor to emerge from his dementia to seek police protection.

The city’s actual Chief of Police was unavailable for comment due to attending mandatory annual training in Bern, Switzerland.

The local city police, reinforced by the county sheriff’s three helicopter gunships and four SWAT teams from surrounding municipalities, seem to have the area secured. Snipers are posted along Walt Banks Road, and the use of tear gas has been approved by the City Council while in emergency session.

CNN has graciously set up a Command Center complete with a fully functional visitor’s bureau in consideration of first rights to TV coverage. It is anticipated that our 39th President, Jimmy Carter, will act as mediator as no conservatives are allowed on the scene.

In a related story it was reported that the distinguished octogenarian Scott Bradshaw assisted by the venerable Cal Beverly have personally interceded to gain the release of two suspected terrorists, Terry Ernst and Randy Gaddo, jailed on suspicion of inciting discord among residents.

Both Bradshaw and Beverly claim that former council members requested their detention for fear of retribution.

To be continued …

Michael L. King

Peachtree City, Ga.