I was at a breakfast joint the other day and I ordered two eggs over medium, grits and toast. Unfortunately, the short order cook has a different definition of “over medium” than I do and when I pressed my fork into the first egg, it was extremely runny, so runny in fact that I couldn’t eat it.
I thought about returning the eggs to the waitress but she didn’t seem like she was having a good morning and seemed rather unapproachable about the subject of returning something.
Instead, I ate my grits and toast, paid my bill and left. As I was driving, I began activating the liberal side of my brain to conjure up a solution to my runny egg problem and the fact that I had wasted a couple of bucks on those eggs.
Five minutes later, it came to me. What if a federal regulator was assigned to that restaurant and their sole job was to address customer complaints?
I could have simply raised my hand and the regulator would have come over. After explaining to him my situation, he would confront the staff or management and fix my problem, allowing me to stay out of the loop and avoid confrontation all together and enjoy my eggs stress free.
Within 15 minutes I had expanded upon my idea and formed a concept of sweeping legislation that I believe will save this country. I call it the MEANER Act, which stands for My Eggs Are Never Ever Runny.
The MEANER Act will assign a federal regulator to every commercial establishment in America. Large stores such as Walmart, Home Depot or Macy’s will have multiple regulators to deal with an increased customer load.
If you soup was cold, they’d take care of it. Steak too rare? No problem. How many times have you argued with your dry cleaner about a missing button? What about the ordeal in trying to return the sweater that you found out was too large when you got it home? Let’s not even get into dealing with the automotive service guy who was trying to gouge you while fixing your transmission.
Kiss all of these problems goodbye. The MEANER Act will make the life of the average American citizen so much easier.
But the benefits of the MEANER Act don’t stop there. The MEANER Act will solve our nation’s unemployment crisis. Imagine the millions of good paying union jobs that will be created. In fact, I ran some numbers and calculated that the MEANER Act would reduce unemployment to 1.5839293 percent assuming an average GDP of 11.6 percent. Can you say economic boom!
I know my fellow deficit hawks are scoffing at the cost of all of these jobs, but that’s beauty of this legislation. The stress free lifestyle that Americans will enjoy from the MEANER Act will result in a reduction of healthcare costs, saving our country nearly $300 billion over the next 10 years.
In addition, consumer spending will vastly increase due to the fact that consumers can conduct transactions worry free. This will increase sales tax revenues by 12.593705 percent which will in turn bring in more tax revenues to the states, solving even California’s budget deficit.
I save the real gem, though, for last. The MEANER Act will save the Social Security program.
How, you ask? Well, the primary detriment of Social Security is that there are no longer enough young workers to pay for all of the retiring baby boomers. To alleviate this shortfall, we will market the MEANER Act to the world.
We will broadcast commercials across the global airwaves that will proclaim, “Come to America where your eggs are never runny and your soup is never cold!“ This will entice high-skilled tens of millions of young professionals across the world to come to America and enjoy the MEANER lifestyle.
This tidal wave of increased FICA tax revenue will not only save Social Security and Medicare, but will allow us possibly even to lower the retirement age for American workers.
As you can see from my presentation, we have nothing to lose and everything to gain from this massive big government program that will be embraced by all. It doesn’t matter if you’re rich or poor, liberal or conservative, you deserve better than runny eggs; in fact in this country it should be a God given right.
I urge you to contact your congressman and educate him or her on the MEANER Act and its heralded benefits that will continue to pay us back for generations to come. Thank you. Breakfast, anyone?
Brad Rudisail
Peachtree City, Ga.
