At 3 o’clock, the last school bell rang, releasing all of us to the best time of the year, summer vacation. Less than an hour later, all the kids from Flamingo Street were enjoying the first water balloon battle of the summer, even Bully Brad.
Bradley McAllister, a.k.a. Down the Street Bully Brad, was much bigger than all the other kids in Old Mrs. Crabtree’s third-grade class — except, of course, Bubba Hanks.
It was rumored that Bully Brad had flunked Mrs. Crabtree’s class twice, which explained why he was much bigger then the rest of us, but I knew the real reason. Over a foot taller and 20 pounds heavier, his body had to grow that big to hold all his meanness.
Still, on the last day of school, even he joined in on the water balloon fun. It was the one day during the entire year we could all count on him not being a bully. Seems his happiness about being out of school overcame his meanness.
Unfortunately, the closer the beginning of school got, the meaner Bully Brad got. That’s saying a lot for someone who enjoyed pulling wings off of flies and frying ants with a magnifying glass.
It was about this time his mom forced him to do back to school shopping with her. He wasn’t happy being dragged from store to store, trying on endless pairs of pants, matching shirts, shoes, and yellow raincoats. Guess it took too much time away from being a bully.
Me? I actually liked back-to-school shopping with mom and my three brothers. After trying on new clothes, they’d go out of the dressing rooms for the Mom Inspection. That’s when I’d sneak in and hide their old clothes.
They’d try on five or six different outfits before noticing anything was missing. This was fun for years, and they never found out who did it – until now. I think they will forgive me, but I bet Bully Brad still holds a grudge.
A week before starting third grade, I was trying on cloths at the local Sears. Imagine my surprise when Bully Brad walked into the dressing room stall right next to me, slamming the door behind him!
I quietly stepped up on the little bench just in case he looked under the stall. When he left for his mom inspection, I did something that even surprised me. Don’t believe he ever found where I hid his shoes.
Guess that’s why he was extra mean on the first day of school that year. His new shoes actually squeaked when he walked down the hallways. It’s hard to do a sneak attack on anyone when you’re squeaking.
To say Bully Brad didn’t like school would be an understatement. At Mt. Olive Elementary, his desk, when it wasn’t out in the hallway, was in the back of the classroom, the farthest away from Old Mrs. Crabtree.
Upon reaching Briarwood High School, home of the Mighty Buccaneers, his desk location didn’t change. I guess he thought teachers wouldn’t call on him as much for answers sitting so far away. Either that or it was the best position to fling spitballs and hit anyone in the back of the head. I should know: I was on the receiving end of many of those gooey balls of paper.
So for those of you who are actually looking forward to going back to school and even for those of you who aren’t, here are just a few of the tips that could make the transition from the fun of summer to the halls of academia a little easier.
First, hiding your brother’s clothes when they leave the dressing room is still a classic. Just don’t tell your parents you got the idea from the guy who writes for the paper.
Second, don’t worry about having to wear a yellow raincoat. They have a new invention called an umbrella. It must be new, or my mom wouldn’t have made us wear those ugly yellow raincoats with matching galoshes to school.
Third, even if you’re a bully, don’t wear squeaky shoes to school. You will be made fun of. Also, don’t bother choosing a desk in the very back of the room. You can’t hide from teachers nowadays. They will ask you questions no matter where you sit. And no, looking down at your squeaky shoes will not keep them from doing so.
Lastly, and perhaps the most important advice this old guy can pass on to those about to start back to school: just be yourself. Know that, with all the quirks and imperfections you think you have, the person sitting next to you that you perceive as perfect is just as concerned about their quirks and imperfections as you are about yours.
And for those of you still in elementary school, here’s the best advice of all. Even if you do happen to choose the perfect desk location — third row over and third seat back from the front of the room — you still need to be a good ducker of gooey balls of paper.
Just some helpful back to school advice from a boy called Spitball.
[Rick Ryckeley, who lives in Senoia, served as a firefighter for more than two decades and has been a weekly columnist since 2001. His email is storiesbyrick@gmail.com. His books are available at www.RickRyckeley.com.]
