Ask Margar-etiquette about Not Fearing the Unhoused

Dear Margar-etiquette,

I recently traveled to another city for a conference. It was a big city in a relatively small state, and I was surprised by how many unhoused people were in the downtown area.

I don’t want to be someone who sees an unhoused person and immediately becomes afraid. Being without housing doesn’t make someone less human or automatically make them dangerous. At the same time, I heard firsthand stories from people who had been followed, aggressively approached, or hassled by individuals on the street.

As a woman traveling alone in an unfamiliar city, there were moments when I genuinely felt concerned for my safety. Then I felt uncomfortable about feeling that way.

How do I balance compassion for people who are unhoused with being cautious about my own safety? And more generally, how should we treat people experiencing homelessness when we encounter them in our communities?

Compassionate but Cautious

Dear Compassionate,

I think two things can be true at the same time. A person experiencing homelessness deserves to be treated with dignity, and you are allowed to pay attention to your personal safety. One does not cancel out the other.

Homelessness is a circumstance, not a character trait. We don’t know what brought someone there. Job loss, housing costs, family circumstances, addiction, mental illness, domestic violence, or something else entirely may be part of someone’s story. What we do know is that the person sitting on the sidewalk, sleeping in a doorway, or asking for money is still human.

Basic courtesy still applies, but it doesn’t require engagement. If you feel safe and want to acknowledge someone, you can. If you don’t feel safe, trust your judgment and keep going. You are not obligated to make eye contact, start a conversation, respond to a request, or stop walking if doing so makes you uncomfortable.

The same freedom applies when someone asks you for money, food, or help. There is no one right response. You may choose to give, you may choose not to, and you may make a different choice the next time. Each encounter allows you to decide what feels appropriate in that moment.

As with anyone you come across, let the person’s behavior guide your response. If someone is following you, blocking your path, behaving aggressively, or simply making you uncomfortable, create distance. Move toward other people or into a business and ask for help if you need it. You don’t have to stay in an uncomfortable situation because you’re worried about appearing rude. Safety supersedes etiquette.

Ultimately, good etiquette doesn’t require abandoning common sense. It asks us to remember that the person in front of us still deserves basic human dignity. You can choose to not engage and still be respectful. You can keep your distance without automatically expecting the worst. And you can protect yourself without deciding that an entire group of people should be feared. Compassion and caution can coexist.

With love and good manners,

Margar-etiquette