Ask Margar-etiquette about the Benefit of the Doubt

Dear Margar-etiquette,

People are quick to assume the worst these days. If someone doesn’t return a text, they’re rude. If a cashier seems distracted, they’re incompetent. If a neighbor doesn’t wave, they’re unfriendly. Have we lost the ability to give people the benefit of the doubt?

Trying Not to Judge 

Dear Trying,

Yes, I think we’ve lost some of it. Somewhere along the way, many of us stopped asking, “What else might be going on?” and started assuming our first interpretation was the only and correct one. The trouble is that we rarely, if ever,  have the full story.

The cashier who seems distracted may have just learned that a family member is ill. The friend who hasn’t returned your call may be overwhelmed. The driver who cuts you off may be rushing to the hospital. Or perhaps they are simply having a bad day, just as we all do from time to time.

Of course, not every behavior has a noble explanation. Some people are inconsiderate. Some people make mistakes. Some people are having a terrible day and handle it poorly. But etiquette encourages us to pause before assigning motives. When we assume the worst, we create unnecessary conflict. When we leave room for possibility, we create space for understanding.

Giving someone the benefit of the doubt isn’t about being naïve. It’s about recognizing that human beings are complex and that our first impression is often incomplete. In a culture that encourages quick judgments, choosing curiosity can be a radical act of kindness.

So, before deciding what someone’s behavior means, consider how much of their story you may not know. Most of us are carrying burdens that aren’t visible to the people around us. And in reality, the benefit of the doubt is truly a benefit. Let’s give it more often than not.

Where manners meet real life,

Margar-etiquette