Years ago, when my sons were much younger, one of them, a teenager, and I were having a heated discussion after he had broken my rules in some way. Our voices had been raised and, finally, he argued that he was old enough to do whatever it was I had forbidden him to do. So, I raised my voice and, speaking of the family, said, “So, you think this is a democracy!?”
Frustrated he shouted back, “No. It’s a ‘dadtatorship! And when you’re not here, we are under ‘momnunism!”’ Startled, I was caught totally off guard. I was so impressed by the cleverness of the answer, that I dismissed him without punishment and went somewhere to laugh. I have told that story, literally, hundreds of times.
And that is exactly the way in which I grew up. The big difference is that my dad wouldn’t have thought me clever and neither would he have been amused. He already thought of me as a “smart-mouthed kid.” I think it’s in the DNA of teen boys to test the boundaries. I certainly did and I discovered that my sons did too, some more than others.
I was reasonably good at both frustrating my parents and going right up to the boundary and stopping just in the nick of time. But not always. Once, my dad canceled a date on the very night the date was to occur. I forget what I did but I do remember that he said, “This will cost you.” But then time passed, perhaps months, and I forgot all about it. I was sure he forgot all about it. That was my mistake.
The event was the “Barn Dance” and I had a date with a stunningly beautiful blond who was as sweet as country honey. The school gymnasium was decorated like a barn and preceded the next week’s homecoming football game. It was the one event in the school year where the football players got to wear their home jerseys and their dates could wear the player’s away jerseys.
It was, to the fall and near the end of football season, what the Prom was to spring. Both she and I were sophomores. At 5:30 p.m., on the very day of the dance, he executed the sentence that I was “grounded for the weekend starting now.”
And I erupted. He said, “I told you it was going to cost you.” I exercised my smart-mouth and it’s a miracle he didn’t close it with his fist. Which he did when I was 18 and I called my mother a name that rhymed with “witch.”
I had to call my date and ruin her evening because, with no notice, she either wouldn’t be able to go or, if she did, it would likely have been alone. So, I did what every tough, almost 16-year-old young man would do. I lied. I told her I was sick. I was so ashamed that I never asked her out again.
It’s the only discipline that my dad exacted that, 57 years later, I still think was horribly unfair. And, for all that time, I have been ashamed that she might have thought that she had done something wrong. So, yes, “dadtators” can sometimes be unfair.
My sons are now 51, 48, and 42. The oldest two have, and to some extent still, operate “dadtatorships,” (especially in the case of minor children) and I don’t know about the youngest because they live across the country.
Things get watered down with the passing of generations. My father thought that his father was way too tough and believed himself more lenient than his dad. I feel that my dad was hard on his kids and I’m pretty sure that I see myself as gentler than my dad. My sons are probably more lenient than I was.
Yet the policy continues through at least four generations. Who knows how far back it time it stretches and how far into the future it will go?
So, as one can imagine, “democracies” don’t run in my family history. And, while some think giving in to their kids and allowing them to be “free range children and teens,” is the way to go, I have seen the results of both.
No, no, in this case, dadtatorships and Momnuism is my preference. And for the kids who don’t like it? Well, life isn’t fair after all. Might as well learn it now.
[David Epps is the Rector of the Cathedral of Christ the King (www.ctk.life). Worship services are on Sundays at 10:00 a.m. and on livestream at www.ctk.life. He is the bishop of the Diocese of the Mid-South (www.midsouthdiocese.life). He may be contacted at davidepps@ctk.life.]
