Ask Margar-etiquette about Fashion Policing

Dear Margar-etiquette,

I have a friend who frequently comments on what other people are wearing. Whether we’re shopping or driving down the street, she almost always has something to say about someone’s outfit, body shape, or whether their clothing is appropriate for their age. Sometimes it feels as though she’s actively looking for people to criticize. I certainly have my own opinions about what people wear, but I try not to judge others, and I don’t feel the need to say everything I’m thinking out loud. Since she’s only sharing these comments with me and not the people she’s talking about, is it really considered rude? And if so, how can I respond without making things uncomfortable between us?

Sincerely,
Uncomfortable Observer

Dear Uncomfortable Observer,

We’ve all seen someone wearing something that catches our attention, perhaps because it’s unusual, revealing, colorful, or simply not something we’d choose for ourselves. Having an opinion is perfectly natural. But there’s a difference between noticing something, forming an opinion, and turning that opinion into a conversation at someone else’s expense.

And yes, even when the person being discussed cannot hear the comments, repeatedly criticizing their appearance can still be considered rude. Etiquette isn’t simply about what we say directly to someone’s face. It’s also about the respect and consideration we show toward others when they’re not part of the conversation. Just because someone cannot hear a remark doesn’t necessarily make it appropriate.

Clothing is also deeply personal. What one person considers flattering, age-appropriate, or tasteful may be completely different from another person’s perspective. Our opinions are shaped by our upbringing, culture, experiences, and personal preferences. But those preferences aren’t universal standards that everyone else is expected to follow.

I also think there’s an important distinction between discussing fashion and criticizing people. Saying, “I don’t think I could pull off that style,” is very different from saying, “She has no business wearing that at her age.” One expresses a personal preference. The other passes judgment on someone else’s choices.

But perhaps there’s an opportunity to go a little deeper. Our comments often reflect what we’re thinking, and while choosing not to say something unkind is a good start, we can also challenge the thoughts behind those comments. Instead of immediately deciding that someone’s outfit is inappropriate for their age or body type, we might ask ourselves why we think that way. Is it a personal preference, something we were taught, or an expectation we’ve never questioned? Sometimes practicing kindness means changing not just what we say, but how we see others.

You don’t have to agree with or participate in these conversations simply because she’s your friend. Her comments may be a habit, a way of making conversation, or something she doesn’t realize she does so often. While it may feel as though she’s searching for people to criticize, we can’t know her intentions without asking. What you can recognize is how those conversations make you feel.

At the same time, you want to be careful not to judge her for judging others. We all have opinions. Some of us are simply more comfortable expressing them. Rather than correcting her or challenging every comment, you can choose not to engage or gently steer the conversation elsewhere. If the comments continue to bother you, a thoughtful conversation about how they make you feel may be more meaningful than pointing out what she’s doing wrong.

Ultimately, not every thought needs to become a comment, and not every opinion needs an audience. But perhaps an even greater opportunity lies in learning to look at others with curiosity rather than criticism. Someone else’s clothing choices don’t require our approval, and we rarely know the personal preferences or circumstances that influence what they choose to wear.

You can appreciate your friend’s company without participating in conversations that don’t align with your values. And perhaps, through your own example, you may encourage a different way of thinking, one that leaves more room for an appreciation of our differences.

Where manners meet real life,

Margar-etiquette