Ask Margar-etiquette about Complaining to a Business

Dear Margar-etiquette,

My wife is always contacting businesses when something goes wrong. If our food isn’t prepared correctly, a product doesn’t work as expected, or we receive poor service, she will call, email, or ask to speak with a manager. Sometimes the business offers her free food, a discount, or takes something off the bill.

She says she isn’t trying to get something for free. She says businesses need to know when there is a problem so they have an opportunity to fix it. I think constantly pointing out people’s mistakes is a little rude, and sometimes I wish she would just let things go.

Is giving businesses feedback really helpful, or is this just complaining with a nicer name?

Married to the Complaint Department

Dear Married,

I’m going to give your wife this one, but with an asterisk.

Yes, businesses really do need to know when something isn’t working. A restaurant manager can’t correct a problem in the kitchen if no one tells them. A store owner can’t address an employee who is repeatedly rude to customers if every dissatisfied customer quietly walks out the door. And a company can’t fix a faulty process if it doesn’t know customers are experiencing it. In that sense, thoughtful feedback can actually be helpful.

In fact, one of the things we focus on at Everyday Manners is helping businesses recognize the seemingly small customer-service and communication issues that can ultimately cost them customers. Often, it’s not one huge mistake that causes someone to take their business elsewhere. It’s a series of small interactions that leave a customer feeling ignored, unappreciated, or frustrated. Recognizing those issues gives a business an opportunity to correct them before the next customer simply decides not to come back. 

But here’s the asterisk: How you complain matters just as much as what you’re complaining about.

There is a difference between bringing a legitimate problem to someone’s attention and searching for every little imperfection because you know there might be a free dessert at the end of it.

Before making a complaint, I think it’s worth asking yourself three questions:

• Is the problem significant enough to mention?
• Am I giving the business an opportunity to correct it?
• And what am I hoping will happen as a result?

That last question is especially important.

If your wife’s goal is, “I think you should know this happened because you may want to address it,” that’s useful feedback. If the goal is, “Let’s see what I can get for free,” we’ve wandered into different territory.

Good etiquette doesn’t require us to pretend everything is fine when it isn’t. Good etiquette actually wants what is best for all involved. Courtesy and honesty can coexist. You can say, “I wanted to let you know that my order was incorrect,” without turning it into a character assessment of the person who took the order. You can explain that you waited 45 minutes for a service that was promised in 15 without announcing, “This is the worst-run business I’ve ever seen!”

And whenever possible, give the business a chance to fix the problem while you’re still there. If your steak is overcooked, politely tell your server rather than eating the entire thing, going home, and sending an angry email the next morning. If you were charged incorrectly, ask about the charge before assuming someone was trying to cheat you.

Also remember that not every inconvenience requires escalation. Sometimes the server forgets to bring your extra napkins. Sometimes the coffee isn’t quite hot enough. Sometimes someone who is normally excellent is simply having a bad day. Part of graciousness is knowing when something needs to be addressed and when we can extend a little grace and move on.

If a business offers a refund, discount, replacement, or complimentary item after hearing your concern, accepting it isn’t inherently rude. Often, that’s the company’s way of acknowledging the problem and trying to restore the relationship with the customer. The important distinction is whether compensation was offered as a remedy or whether the complaint was made in pursuit of a reward.

There’s another side to this conversation, too. If we’re willing to contact a manager when something goes wrong, perhaps we should be equally willing to speak up when something goes exceptionally right. Tell the manager about the server who was wonderful. Send the email about the employee who went out of her way to help you. Leave the positive review. People deserve to know when they’re getting it right, too.

So, is your wife wrong for speaking up? Not necessarily.

But maybe the best test is this: If you knew there would be absolutely no discount, refund, free meal, or other compensation, would you still take the time to give the feedback? If the answer is yes, you’re probably trying to help. If the answer is no…well, you may have just answered your own question.

With love and good manners,

Margar-etiquette