I predict 2003 . . .

For my sixth year in a row

I use my space here to predict the coming year.

Jan. 11 Roberta Melmsteen becomes

then the one-millionth cell phone user to simultaneously drive an SUV

while saying the words, "I am late for my Botox appointment."

Jan. 30 Strom Thurmond wakes

up in the middle of the night and seemingly for no reason screams, "George

Wallace for president!"

Feb. 9 Winona Ryder and Robert

Downey Jr. start filming, "Framed: The O.J. Simpson Story."

Feb. 23 The Atlanta Braves

successfully lobby to skip the actual baseball season so that they can

save their time and energy to put on a good show while losing in the first

round of the playoffs.

March 15 J. Lo breaks it off

with Ben Affleck, saying she actually made a mistake and thought she had

been dating Matt Damon for the past eight months.

April 1 Insert your own Michael

Jackson April Fool's joke here.

April 21 Winona Ryder and Darryl

Strawberry start filming, "Framed: The Marion Barry Story."

May 13 Sho-Nuff Daddy Fatboy

becomes the one-millionth rap singer to be arrested for assault with a

deadly weapon.

June 3 Picketers leave the

filming of "Lord of the Rings 3" when they realize they mistook

the movie for "Harry Potter 3."

June 29 Hillary's presidential

campaign reaches high gear when she announces her intentions to run with

Rosie O'Donnellas her vice-president.

July 9 J. Lo breaks it off

with Matt Damon, saying she actually made a mistake and thought she had

been dating Tobey McGuire.

Aug. 3 Strom Thurmond wakes

up in the middle of the night and seemingly for no reason screams, "Abe

Lincoln for president!"

Aug. 27 Time Magazine announces

that every single American suffers from either carpal tunnel syndrome,

PPMS, or sleep apnea.

Sept. 19 Winona Ryder and Mike

Tyson start filming, "Framed: The Robert Downey Jr. Story."

Oct. 2 Dick Cheney records

his record 69th heart attack while wrestling an alligator on the White

House lawn. He still defeats the alligator and celebrates over a steak

and lobster dinner.

Oct. 31 Trick or treating is

cancelled when retailers realize there is more profit by putting out Christmas

items after the Fourth of July rather than Halloween.

Nov. 21 Thanksgiving is moved

to May 5 when retailers realize there is more profit in moving it to a

dead time of the year.

Dec. 11 Bob Dylan utters three

words in a row that are fully understood.

Dec. 29 Michael Jackson cloned.

End of the world.