Here it is

again: another new year, and with it comes more stuff you gotta remember.

One of the

most important things to remember from the very first day of the New Year

is to write 2003 on checks instead of 2002. Well, that is unless you want

to look like a moron. Say hello to Mr. Moron. If this year is like past

ones, I'll get this important factoid right sometime mid-July. Have you

ever noticed that everything we do nowadays is somehow attached to remembering

a slue of numbers? For me, the trouble remembering numbers started way

back in Ms. Newsome's kindergarten class.

The first day

of kindergarten, Ms. Newsome told everyone which bus to ride home. My

bus number was 569. I know this was correct 'cause I wrote it in crayon

in my math book. My math book had lots of numbers so I'd figured a few

more would be okay ­ Ms. Newsome thought otherwise. I had to stand

in the corner for an hour.

At the end

of the day, I took my seat on bus 569 and waited 'til it was time for

my stop to get off. My stop never came. At the end of the route I was

the only kid left on the bus. Seems I was suppose to get on bus 596, not

569. Wonder how Ms. Newsome made that mistake?

In first grade

I had to learn my home phone number and the fire department's. Back then,

if you needed a fire truck or emergency medical treatment, you'd dial

the local fire department phone number for help. With three brothers and

one sister, I knew the fire department's number better than my own.

A phone number

used to be easy to remember - not so anymore. My first phone number was

only five numbers long. Soon there after, they added two more numbers

to make it seven. Four years ago they thought it was a good idea to add

three more numbers. Now we have ten numbers to dial.

If you call

someone at home and no one answers you can page them. That's if you remember

the pager number. If you can't get them on their pager, then try their

cell phone, but that's just another number you gotta remember. In a few

more years, the way they're adding numbers, it'll be faster to drive over

to whomever you were gonna call, and just talk to them in person.

At least they

made calling the fire department easier. All you have to do now is dial

three numbers, 9-1-1. Who are "they," you might ask? Well, just

read on.

Numbers are

everywhere. You have to remember your pin number to get money from an

ATM, your checking account number if you forget a deposit slip at the

bank. Write a check, you must give the cashier your driver's license number

and, yes, your ten-digit phone number. You must remember your five-digit

pass word in order to access information from your computer at work.

When calling

about your medical or car insurance, you get an automated response message

that prompts you to enter your account number. So why, after punching

in your account number, does someone answer the phone and the first thing

they ask you for is your account number? Even some cars don't have keys

anymore; instead they have a key pad of numbers you push to unlock the

doors.

So who's behind

all of these confusing numbers? Why, some high school math teacher, of

course!

Just when I

got a good grasp of addition, subtraction, and division, high school math

teachers added new stuff like square roots, cubes, and pi-r-squared. (Even

I learned from Miss Newsome that pie r round, not square.) As a freshman

in Algebra I, I learned the Pythagorean Theory, where combinations of

numbers with letters are called math. I got news for ya: A2+B2=C2 is not

a math problem - ABC are letters. So it's English, not math, but the story

about English is still a few weeks away; this story is about numbers.

As a junior,

I took Algebra II and learned all about quadratic equations. When I questioned

my eleventh-grade math teacher as to exactly when in life one would ever

use a quadratic equation, she sent me to the office. I've been in the

job market now for 25 years and have yet filled out one job application

that asked what a quadratic equation was or how one would use it.

I still remember

that trick question Mr. Baker, my senior math teacher, put on his final

exam. The question: Train one was going northeast from Dallas at 30 miles

an hour with three ducks and two dogs aboard. It stopped twice to let

one duck off and three times to pick up four dogs. Train two was going

north from Georgia at fifty miles an hour with a cow and two chickens

aboard. It stopped three times more often than train one and picked up

six times as many animals. Which got to Pittsburgh first and how many

animals would be left on the trains? The answer I wrote was: Zero. Both

trains crashed somewhere around Maryland and all the animals ran away.

Mister Baker was not amused. I got a C in his class.

The Boy wants

a cell phone; I said no. That'll be just another number to remember. He

said that now, some phones are voice-activated. You don't dial numbers;

instead you just speak the person's name and the phone dials the number

for you. No more numbers. I like that. I'll ask The Wife if she could

buy me one for my birthday.

I guess numbers

aren't so bad after all. Bill Gates just had to remember the numbers zero

and one - look where it got him.

[Rick Ryckeley

is employed by the Fayette County Department of Fire and Emergency Services.

He can be reached at [email protected].]