The term "blended

families" describes the union of couples with children after divorce

of their respective spouses. When a parent elects to marry another person

who also has children, the newly created dynamic can be rather complicated.

The children

of each adult may still harbor a host of emotions regarding the divorce

of their biological parents - resentment, anger, relief, hatred, and anguish.

At the time of the divorce they have little or no control over the decisions

their parents made. Lack of control over one's life is a very hopeless

feeling. Then, when remarriage is in the offing, yet again decisions are

made beyond their control.

Even if parents

ask a child's opinion, the child is forced to choose between what he or

she may really want, and the fact that one's decision may mean Mom or

Dad cannot pursue a happy relationship with the person they are thinking

of marrying. It is an unfair position in which to be placed. Unless the

child really wants the parent to remarry, the child loses no matter what

choice he or she makes.

With the new

union comes the logistics of either moving into a home with new brothers

and/or sisters or having new people move into one's own home. Imagine

being forced to move into a home belonging to a workmate or having that

workmate move into your home, share your bathroom and perhaps even your

own bedroom. Even if we liked our workmate, few of us would enjoy being

forced into a situation like this and yet it is this very scenario that

children of blended families are forced to endure.

This doesn't

mean that the difficulties are insurmountable and it doesn't mean that

children cannot accommodate to new living arrangements. Rather it is important

to consider the dramatic emotional and logistical effects of blending

families on the children involved.

Many times

in therapy I have worked with blended families whose children are experiencing

rebellion, school difficulties, or incorrigibility. The behaviors are

clearly the child's response, as least in large part, of divorce and remarriage,

yet the adults failed to seriously consider how their decisions would

affect their children. Even if they do consider those affects, many times

the adults just assume the children will easily overcome those problems

and they marry anyway.

Parents should

consider how potentially traumatizing blending a family can be prior to

even engaging in a romantic relationship. In fact, some experts suggest

that parents should not even date while they have young children. This

suggestion often is not very realistic, but I think it does emphasize

the seriousness of dating and the many complicating issues involved in

divorce, new romance and remarriage.

I suggest that

parents seriously consider maintaining only casual relationships while

their children are small. It is very easy for children to experience hope

(or fear) that each new man or woman that the parent dates could be the

next new dad or mom. In their attempt to fit in with the child, these

potential mates bring presents and treat these children kindly, thereby

only compounding the child's hurt and confusion when the relationship

dissolves.

I have seen

many children in my clinical practice who have divorced mothers or fathers

who date. The child re-experiences the pain of divorce each time a new

man or woman comes into the parent's life and then disappears. For this

reason, if you plan to pursue romance, it is best to keep your relationship

separate from your children and your family life. Only when marriage is

likely should the potential spouse be introduced to and become a part

of your children's lives.

When blending

a family, parents should make their best effort not only to respect their

children's physical space - their bedrooms, bathrooms, and possessions

- but they should also be prepared for an emotional reaction from their

children. While some children may resent the parent's new relationship,

others are happy that the parent has found love again. Even so, they will

be torn between many conflicting emotions. Providing ample time for discussion

of feelings, hopes, and dreams can help ease this transition.

As your child

expresses his or her thoughts about the relationship and the potential

family blending, listen with a discriminative ear for clues to what your

child really wants. Respecting your child's wishes as best you can will

empower your child and make him or her less resentful when blending occurs.

When necessary, professional therapeutic intervention can also help.

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