Starting around

two years of age, children begin developing a rudimentary sense of morality

right and wrong. Adults tend to think of morality in relationship to religious

teachings; however, developmental morality is different from religious

beliefs, although it can be related to one's religion. Prior to age nine

or ten, children are incapable of understanding the abstract nature of

religion. Their ideas about right and wrong are based on sets of rules.

These rules change as the child matures.

Rules are established

the parent's beliefs about what is acceptable and what is not. Children

in early childhood cannot distinguish the difference between a religious

taboo and something that "we just don't do" in the home. For

example, in many religions it is sinful to harm another person. In many

of those same homes, smoking may be prohibited and children may be taught

the dangers of smoking. Therefore, in these homes young children interpret

smoking the same way they interpret hitting - it is "sinful"

(although they would not use this term). Even though smoking is a social

taboo, not a religious taboo, there was no distinction between the two.

Starting with

age 2, children are able to understand that there are things they are

expected to do or things that they should not do. One of the first words

they learn is "no." When a child uses the word "no"

correctly, she is demonstrating intent. She knows what is expected and

is intentionally defying that expectation. What is right or wrong at this

early stage of development is based completely on whether or not one gets

into trouble for doing the thing in question. If one does not get into

trouble or get caught at the behavior, it is acceptable. (I find it fascinating

that many adults operate on this same immature belief system.)

At age 5 or

6, children are concerned with how others perceive them. Being perceived

as a good child is closely related to one's view of morality. Therefore,

at this age, not only do some children still relate morality with getting

into trouble, they also begin to believe that something is morally wrong

if people will be mad at you if you do it. If you can do something and

others will not be angry (or if they will be pleased with you), then the

behavior is "morally" acceptable. By the end of this early childhood

stage, most children will operate on a fixed set of rules. In other words,

for children between 8 and 10, something is wrong if it is against the

rules. These children tend to be legalistic and they are incapable of

understanding the many nuances that accompany evaluating guilt and deciding

punishment. Nearly all children under age ten will be frustrated if they

see someone getting away with something that they ecognize as wrong.

The meaning

of the word "fair" changes as we get older, but for children

it is closely related to right and wrong. Well into their elementary school

years, children believe that fair means total equality. For example, it

isn't fair, in their minds, when someone gets something they do not get.

If you get ten jellybeans, it is only fair that I get ten jellybeans,

too. Between the ages of six and seven, fair begins to be determined by

what a child thinks he earns. He believes that "fair" is related

to merit and how hard he works. Therefore, children will get upset with

you if they think they worked harder at something than a sibling and yet

both they and the sibling receive the same reward.

Fairness, as

children understand it, is difficult to apply and many times it is best

if parents did not try to be "fair" in the sense of equality.

Older children, for example, may argue that it is not fair that their

younger siblings get away with something that they can't do. Yet what

the older child doesn't recognize is that because he is older, he has

a different set of expectations. Likewise, younger children may argue

that it is not fair that an older sibling gets to stay up later than she

does. Again, there are different needs because of the children's ages.

Fairness is

not as important as meeting the child's needs. As the parent, I try to

be fair by considering my children's developmental ages, their levels

of responsibility, and by meeting their needs instead of making sure they

always were treated exactly the same way.

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