There are many

reasons why children are abused or mistreated, but one of them is when

people have children when they were either ill-prepared for the responsibility

or when they didn't want them at all.

Some women

become pregnant by accident, either because of ineffective birth control

methods or lack of understanding about their own physiology. For example,

some women falsely believe that they cannot get pregnant while they are

lactating. While lactating women usually do not menstruate, they are still

capable of conceiving.

Other misconceptions

are harder to believe, but equally based on myth. For example, I once

had a client who became pregnant because she believed that if she held

her breath during her orgasm she could not become pregnant.

Other couples

plan their pregnancies. Their reasons for conceiving are varied. Some

conceive to continue their family line while others choose to have children

because they believed it was a natural part of life. They believe that

if they do not have children they are not complete. Unfortunately, the

myth that a family is only complete with children leads parents to have

children when they really didn't want them and it also compounds the anguish

of couples who are unable to conceive.

The decision

to conceive is a personal one that rests solely with the parents. Culture,

tradition, or peer influence, while they may be considered in the decision,

do not determine whether or not a couple should conceive. The responsibility

of being a parent is too great for the decision to be based on these reasons.

As parents

decide whether or not to have children, they should consider several issues.

For example, are you and your spouse prepared for the financial and emotional

cost of parenting and do you both want a child? Do you and your spouse

agree that now is the right time? Are you willing to put parenting first,

in front of your own personal interests? If the answer to these questions

is no, then now is not the time to start a family.

Babies do not

fix broken marriages. As an intern I counseled with married couples. Several

of my clients had attempted to fix their damaged marriages by having a

baby. Their belief was that if they had a common focus, the "cute

little baby," that their differences could be overcome and their

marriage would improve. Sadly, this is not the case.

Even for healthy

marriages, babies add stress; they don't remove stress. Babies require

so much attention, time, and money, that to believe that they will fix

a damaged marriage is naïve. Adding to the stressed relationship

are more expenses, less personal time with the spouse, less privacy for

oneself and less sleep. These circumstances exacerbate marriage difficulties.

Couples whose marriages are on shaky ground should repair their relationships

before adopting or conceiving.

It is possible

that after reading this column you may decide that having a child is not

for you. If you are not emotionally, financially, and physically ready

for the responsibility of having a child, then wait. However, do not let

the great responsibility of being a parent frighten you; just respect

it.

If you are

adequately prepared for having a child, you will find it to be a joyous

experience. You will find pleasure in watching your child sleep, hearing

his first words, and watching him trying to eat spaghetti for the first

time. Your vocabulary will change to include your child's mispronounced

words words you will adopt and use with your spouse even when the child

is not around. You will learn not to smile while disciplining your child

for something that she has done that is funny, but you don't want her

to know how funny it is.

If, on the

other hand, you decide that you are ready to have a baby, you will find

that within just a few weeks after the child's delivery you will find

it hard to remember life without your child and you will not want to go

back for anything in the world.

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