My 4-year-old

son and I were running an errand together the other day. As we made conversation

with one another, he said, "I love you and mommy a lot."

I asked him

how he knew he loved us. "Because I draw you pictures," he said.

"Do you

feel anything inside your body that tells you that you love someone, Benjamin?"

I asked him.

"Yes,"

he said, "I feel happy."

This brief

conversation with my son demonstrates two important principles in understanding

emotion in children. First, his comment about drawing pictures is indicative

of a child's understanding of emotion only as it pertains to behavior.

From a child's

perspective, his interpretation of emotion - either his own or someone

else's - is directly related to action. Therefore, if the child feels

a negative emotion, like anger, he will follow that emotion with an action,

like hitting something or throwing an object. Not until the child is six

or seven will he begin to think about and articulate his emotions and

select an appropriate demonstration of those emotions.

The child interprets

the behavior of others in a similar way. For example, if a parent punishes

the child, the child interprets the parent's behavior as anger, sadness,

or dislike and he will personalize those emotions, believing the parent

dislikes him. Young children cannot fully separate behavior from emotion.

Frankly, I'm not sure that adults always do that very well, either.

As parents

we must not only watch how we express our emotions around our children

and we must also recognize the emotion a child is trying to demonstration

through his behavior. When my son does something special for me, his purpose

is not only to seek approval and acceptance, but he is also attempting

to express his emotional state.

I broke my

leg recently and a number of times, Benjamin has volunteered to hand me

my crutches. By doing this simple task for me he is demonstrating his

affection for me. Once or twice, instead of saying thank you, I have said,

"Benjamin, I can see how much you love me because you like to get

my crutches for me." The look on his face told me that I was right.

The second

thing of significance in this interchange with my son regards his response

to my second question. When asked if he had an internal feeling related

to his emotion, his only word was "happy."

A few days

before this conversation he told me about a friend whose pet had died.

I asked him how he would feel if his dog died. "Sad," was his

response. Prior to age five or six, children understand only the four

most basic emotions - mad, sad, glad, and afraid.

You will never

hear a four-year-old say, "I'm frustrated" or "I'm depressed."

The child cannot understand the combination of emotions that create frustration

or depression - anger, sadness, irritation, fear, and other emotions.

What this means

to us as parents is that children may often be at a loss to express themselves

emotionally. Sometimes, even adults experience a mixture of emotions to

the extent that they are not sure how they feel. Children live with this

sort of confusion on a regular basis.

Helping a child

recognize and deal with anger, hurt, frustration, confusion, or other

emotion involves helping the child learn labels for those emotions. Paying

close attention to the child's behavior can help the parent help him interpret

his emotions.

One very helpful

tool I use in therapy is a chart full of different cartoon faces. Each

face expresses a different emotion and the label for the emotion is written

beneath it. This feeling chart helps children identify with a face and

then learn what that emotion is. It is interesting how quickly they can

learn that they can experience several emotions at one time.

Watch your

child's behavior carefully and occasionally respond to the emotion his

or her actions imply. Doing so will help your child form labels, recognize

his or her feelings, and also give him or her the satisfaction of communicating

his thoughts effectively.

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