It has been

a long time since I wrote about discipline in this column so I suppose

it is worth bringing up again.

Whenever I

am addressing audiences on parenting issues, discipline is almost always

brought up as a concern. There are no magic wands for controlling children,

but there are a number of things that a parent can do to make obedience

and good behavior more likely.

The number

one rule in disciplining children is consistency. Inconsistency in discipline

teaches the child that the parent doesn't really mean what he or she says.

Inconsistency teaches adults the same thing.

Consider how

you drive. Most people on the freeway drive faster than the speed limit.

They know it is against the law and they know they could get a ticket.

In fact, many of them have been cited for speeding, but the ticket doesn't

significantly affect their driving behaviors because they know that sometimes

they can speed and get away with it. Children will respond to parents

the same way at home when discipline is inconsistent.

A second rule

is to allow natural consequences to discipline for you. For example, my

eight-year-old daughter may be taking a long time to finish her homework.

A rule in our house is that you don't swim in the pool until homework

is done. If she piddles around and doesn't finish her homework and there

is no time left to swim, that is the natural consequence. I might remind

her several times that she may run out of time to swim, but the choice

is hers.

In this example,

I didn't prevent her from swimming. She did that to herself. All behaviors

have consequences - some good and some bad.

Children will

learn over time to correct their own behavior when they see that their

choices have led to unpleasant consequences. Natural consequences take

some of the burden off of the parent for having to be the bad guy, as

well.

Rule number

three is to look for ways to reinforce positive behaviors. "Discipline"

does not always mean "punishment." Punishing wrong behaviors

is just one method to discipline.

Catching children

when they are doing something right encourages them to repeat that behavior.

It takes work to pay attention to a child's "good" behaviors

and to reinforce them, but it is an important part of parenting. If a

parent only interacts with the child when she is in trouble, the child

will begin to believe that she can't do anything right.

Simple words

like, "I noticed that you got ready for school right away and I didn't

have to remind you. Thanks!" can have a very powerful effect on behavior.

Rule number

four is that parents must work as a team. Children learn very quickly

how to play parents against each other.

Parents who

do not support each other end up fighting each other while the child gets

what he wants. Parents must agree on their discipline practices, rules

for the home, and so forth.

Disagreements

over the way one parent has handled a problem with a child must be conducted

in private. The child must see his parents as 100 percent unified when

it comes to discipline. This is especially critical when children are

teenagers.

One final rule

is there are no disciplinary practices that work universally and every

child is different.

Some children

respond very effectively to reinforcement. They almost never need to be

punished because they are very cooperative and easy going. Other children

are more obstinate and difficult. Reinforcement may not work very well

a child like this. The parent then wonders what she is doing wrong - the

other child was so easy! Yet this is part of human variability.

When I am working

with teachers or parents trying to find a way to control a child whose

behavior is out of control, it sometimes takes us two or three tries before

we find what works.

Every child

is different, even within the same family, so don't expect the same disciplinary

practices to work the same with each child. Sometimes they do and sometimes

they don't.

If a disciplinary

practice is not working for a given child, find something else to use.

Don't just do more of the same.

These ideas

are general rules, but of course this is not all you have to know. If

you are having trouble keeping your child under control, it may be necessary

to seek some professional assistance. Two or three sessions with a counselor

can help parents see what they are doing right and what they could do

differently. Parents who are motivated to improve things at home can see

dramatic changes fairly quickly.

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