To everyone

who complained about the weather being too hot last summer (was I one

of them?) and said that they couldn't wait for winter, I'm giving you

the frowning of a lifetime, as I sit in front of this computer.

This lovely

winter weather has given me the gift of illness and, unlike everything

I got for Christmas, I can not return it and exchange it for cash. Instead

I can only wallow in its head congesting, nose running, painful coughing

misery.

I know many

of you out there can sympathize with me. I have heard your sniffles at

the movies and seen the paths of your wadded-up Kleenex. It is flu season

and the season seems endless.

I have been

off my game since Christmas Eve. That was 17 days ago. 17 days of wiping

my nose with any form of paper product available. In my house that included

everything from two boxes of tissues, a roll of toilet paper, 18 paper

towels and six paper plates. I now know why Rudolph's nose was red and

I think Santa should have known better than to let him fly that night.

Isn't it interesting that we never heard from Rudolph again after that

foggy Christmas Eve?

Now, I haven't

been incapacitated the entire time and my condition has improved greatly.

During the first week of this living Hell, I thought I was going crazy.

There were nonsensical words repeating in my head (Milan Hnilicka and

Izma) and I swore I could see Indira and Mahatma Gandhi splitting a meat

lovers pizza at the foot of my bed. My hallucinations have ceased, but

I still sound like an extra on "Little House On The Prairie"

that won't make it through the winter.

As some of

you may know, I moved to Georgia from Massachusetts over eight years ago.

One thing that I do not miss is the cruel, heartless Northern winters.

In fact, nothing brings me as much joy as to call my friends and relatives

up there when it is nice and warm down here and it is snowing and freezing

up there. I haven't spoken to any of my people up north since November.

In fact, there were several days where the weather was nicer up in the

tundra that is known as Taxachusetts. This is unacceptable.

I thought there

was supposed to be global warming. Where is it? I would like to ask everybody

who agrees with my displeasure at the current temperatures to take all

of their aerosol cans outside and spray them skywards. We shouldn't have

to scrape the ice off of our cars every morning or wear our jackets every

time we leave the house. Aren't we part of the sun belt? Isn't two months

of this enough?

As I write

this column, the weather is allegedly improving. In fact, we may reach

the 50s several days in a row. This is a start and hopefully, it will

help make the sick ones of us out there healthy. If it does not, and you

are one of the next batch of people to come down with the flu, please

beware of contagion and follow these helpful hints.

Burn your

linens and clothes after use.

Drink lots

of liquids, just not alone and not at ribald establishments.

Get lots of

rest and watch inordinate amounts of daytime television.

If symptoms

persist, go see your family doctor, but go there in a plastic bubble so

as not to spread your disease or catch something worse.

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