My 8-year-old

daughter came running up to me obviously full of excitement.

"I got

a speaking part in the Christmas play," she told me.

I was so excited

for her. I remember as a child how important it was to me to be singled

out for a speaking part in a play. My daughter elaborated.

"Yeah,"

she said, "I'm Kid 1."

I tried to

keep from laughing. I don't know what I expected, but I know I wasn't

ready for "Kid 1." I told her how happy I was for her to have

been chosen.

"I've

already memorized my line," she told me as she quickly recited her

one big line.

A couple of

weeks before Christmas, I watched my daughter, her name listed in the

printed program as "Kid 1," flawlessly deliver her line. I was

so proud.

In this play,

my daughter's character didn't have a name, only "Kid 1," but

it was very important to her to have been "chosen." It made

her feel important. As usual, it was one of my children who reminded me,

although unintentionally, how important my job as a parent is.

My children

sit in my lap and look up to me for identity, purpose and value. They

get it from other places, such as participation in a Christmas play, but

I am primarily responsible for communicating worth to my children. Adults

can easily forget how important seemingly little things are to children

and how thoughtless words can easily defeat or even destroy a child's

esteem.

Most of us

can remember times in our childhood when something seemed terribly important

to us. When we tried to share it with someone who was important to us,

like a parent, he or she didn't seem to appreciate its significance. Undoubtedly,

that hurt our feelings.

Even now as

an adult, isn't it defeating when you try to share your excitement with

your spouse and he or she doesn't seem interested? We can easily take

it personally and we are adults! So much more so is this true with children.

I let the facial

expressions of my children tell me how important something is to them.

If their faces say, "this is a big deal," then it is a big deal

for me, too. Adolescents have learned to hide their feelings in order

to protect themselves from discouragement so they are a harder to read.

I try to put

myself in their place. I ask myself, "If I were in their shoes, would

it be a big deal?" If so, it is important to me even if they say

it isn't to them.

People have

an innate need to feel competent and worthwhile. As adults, we fill this

need through our hobbies, activities, jobs, or other areas of interest.

Children have

not developed coping skills or objective ways to evaluate their competence.

They live in a world where their competence is always open to question.

Their self-worth teeters daily on a high wire.

They can quickly

begin to doubt their competence because of a poor grade, an embarrassing

episode in front of friends, or an unkind word. Likewise, their competence

can be affirmed if they are picked for a part in a play, if they perform

well on a test, or if a parent for no special reason says, "you are

important to me."

I think of

esteem like a suitcase full of ideas. We start life with empty luggage,

and as we go through life, we fill our suitcase with the comments and

ideas of others regarding our self-worth.

As we reach

adulthood, that suitcase is reflective of our views of ourselves. Even

though we cannot, and should not, protect our children from all discouragement,

I want the suitcases that my children carry into adulthood to be filled

with many more ego-strengthening comments and behaviors than ego-defeating

ones. I work to purposefully reach that goal.

As the New

Year approaches, I challenge you to resolve to look more carefully for

opportunities to build confidence in your child than you may have in the

past. I know I will my daughter was Kid 1!