It is no secret

that children are concerned about fitting in with their peers. They want

to wear clothes that are similar to their friends' clothes, wear similar

jewelry, and drive cars or ride bicycles that are popular models.

Every generation

has a set of "peer trademarks." Peer trademarks are behaviors,

possessions, or other things that identify an individual as a part of

a given group. These trademarks change as time goes on and they are inevitable.

As children

first enter the social world, even as early as kindergarten or first grade,

they begin to develop an interest in how they are perceived by others.

One way for children to feel a part of the group is to possess toys, lunchboxes,

or clothing that is similar in nature to their peers.

As children

enter adolescence, these trademarks become more important to them than

ever. When I was a child in the 1960's, for example, one peer trademark

was long hair. If one's hair did not at least begin to cover one's ears,

then the person was thought to be a little odd.

Of course,

trademarks are shallow and we would like our children to look deeper within

themselves for acceptance and meaning to life, but the fact is, most children

are not that mature. In fact, adults do the same thing.

For example,

how else could you explain the SUV craze? How many of us really "need"

these 4-wheel drive, gas-guzzling vehicles? They look good and they are

popular. They are indicative of peer trademarks for our current adult

age.

If peer trademarks

are inevitable, the question then becomes "Which ones do we allow

for our children and which ones are unproductive or harmful?" The

following questions can help us answer this question.

The first question

I ask is, "Is the trademark physically/mentally/emotionally damaging

or unhealthy?" For example, tattoos are very popular peer trademarks

these days. There is nothing inherently wrong with a tattoo, but they

are permanent and one can get diseases from poorly sanitized equipment.

Therefore, the decision to get a tattoo should wait until the person is

an adult.

The second

question is, "What does the peer trademark communicate about the

individual?" Does the trademark violate family rules, morals, or

religious conduct? Does it communicate disrespect for self or others?

One should never compromise the family's code of conduct for something

so shallow as 'fitting in.'

For example,

facial piercing is becoming popular. I know of no religion that forbids

this activity, but in our current culture, this fad creates an atmosphere

of disrespect for oneself and for others. Facial piercing does not communicate

individuality, as argued by boys and girls. Rather it communicates an

attitude of arrogance. Again, if adults choose to engage in this behavior,

that is their choice, but for children, it is an inappropriate trademark.

Third, how

much financial investment is involved? Regardless of family income, if

a peer trademark involves significant financial investment, such as buying

a very expensive vehicle, very expensive clothing, or expensive jewelry,

I think it is a bad idea. Such behavior communicates shallowness on the

part of parents and when its primary purpose is to help the child fit

in, it implies that friends are something that you buy.

One last question

is, "Can you say 'yes'?" When evaluating the pros and cons of

the things my children want, I try to remember the words of one of my

friends. When his boys were in their teenage years, he once said to me,

"I look for ways to say 'yes' to my sons." That is good advice.

For example,

parents have often asked me if they should allow their sons to get an

earring. One earring in one ear or one in each ear is not expensive and

does not necessarily compromise moral values or communicate disrespect.

If the piercing

is done in a sanitary facility and the ears are properly cared for, earrings

are not a health risk. If the child later decides to remove the earring,

the ear will grow back. Therefore, I don't think it is necessarily a bad

idea to allow older adolescents to get an earring.

(As I described

above, I don't feel the same way about other body piercing - i.e. noses,

tongues, eyebrows, because, in our current culture, they communicate something

much different than earrings.)

These three

questions do not cover all of the issues, of course, but it is a place

to start. If allowing the behavior or trademark is not damaging, does

not communicate disrespect for self or others, and does not demonstrate

shallowness on the parent's part, say yes when you can.