Though not as well-known as

Bush and Gore's, I have just finished my last in a series of three presidential

debates with my opponent in the "third tier" candidate race.

The third tier presidential race is a junior varsity of sorts for people

who one day seek the highest and most powerful office in the world (next

to Oprah Winfrey's). This third tier race is not for career politicians

but just normal people who really care about the country and seek the

power to outlaw the showing of Olympic events half-a-day after everyone

knows the outcome.

My opponent in the three debates

has been pop singer Britney Spears and our moderator, Walter Cronkite,

the only newsman older and more out-of-it than Jim Lehrer. Here is a partial

transcript of the aforementioned debate:

Cronkite: "Mr. Murphy,

can you give your opinions on campaign finance?"

Murphy: "Thank you, Walt,

and give my regards to your old partner, Ebert. Campaign finance is an

issue of utmost importance to the American people. The office of president

should not be influenced and controlled by Forbes 100 corporations or

large money celebrity contributors like Eric Estrada. The office should

maintain the history and traditions of past presidencies... those controlled

Cronkite: "Ms. Spears,

your rebuttal?"

Spears: "The key issue

my opponent is not mentioning is 'soft money.' Soft money is the key because

it is worth so much more than the 'hard money.' The hard money jingles

in your pocket and will hardly buy you an Evian out of a vending machine

anymore. Soft money has cool pictures of presidents on it and has neat

foreign sayings written in Spanish or something."

Cronkite: "Your turn to

begin, Ms. Spears."

Spears: "Hit me baby,

one more time!"

Cronkite: "Excuse me?"

Spears: "Uh... never mind,

continue."

Cronkite: "Okay, Ms. Spears,

where do you stand on the environment?"

Spears: "On the environment,

I typically stand on six-hundred dollar 'Gucci pumps.' But, seriously,

we need to protect the environment at all costs. My plan would include

building one nuclear plant in every city in the country for the purpose

of sucking the pollution out of the air. My enviro-mantra is going to

be 'To be a new, clear activist, you need a nuclear reactor.'"

Cronkite: "Mr. Murphy,

your rebuttal?"

Murphy: "Ladies and gentleman,

my opponent's ideas have gone fission. If we want cleaner air, we just

need to get that Native American guy back from the '70s; the one who used

to do the litter commercials. They would show that tear in his eye and

the next day half the country was scouring the highways looking for trash

like the Atlanta Braves looking for their talent."

Cronkite: "Okay, we have

just enough time for one more topic. Mr. Murphy, what are your ideas on

Social Security?"

Murphy: "Simple. Taking

at least a portion of the program and turning it private would solve the

problems of declining demographic revenues, all the while subsidizing

the inherent foundation of long-term interest-based growth income. That...

and if old people would just not live so long."

Cronkite: "Stick it in

your ear."

Murphy: "Excuse me?"

Cronkite: "Nothing. Now,

Ms. Spears, do you have a refutation?"

Spears: "What does my

refutation have to do with this? Those are all lies and gossip. I was

still growing and developing. But I do want to respond, because I do put

the 'butt' in rebuttal! My opponent doesn't know a thing about Social

Security. I am at the top of my peer group and tha t is true social

security. As long as you stay at the top you will always have the assurance

of popularity and friends. All it takes is a little starvation, a lot

of makeup and a belief that it's what's outside that counts, not inside."

Cronkite: "And that's the way it is."