The

Olympics are starting soon and I can't believe it has

already been four years since Richard Jewel became patron

saint of the security guards by turning a false arrest

into millions.

If you are unaware, the

Olympics are for amateur athletes who are mostly

30-year-old millionaires. These amateur athletes differ

from professionals because they have never been arrested.

This year's Olympics

promise to be the most spectacular ever, not because of

the proficiency of the athletes but because of the

Australian setting. I can't wait to see Crocodile Dundee

light the torch by throwing a flaming Bowie knife. Or,

for a real touch, during the parade, Australia could send

out gloved kangaroos as their boxing team.

One of the real problems of

the Olympics this time around is the time difference. We

are half a day apart so the games will be going while we

sleep, which - if you recall the last Olympics

- that is really a redundant statement.

There are some new events

slated at these new games. If I'm correct, there will be

a new team sport called, "Please kill that fat, gay

guy off the `Survivor' show."

Javelin toss records are

expected to be broken daily since the spears will no

longer be tossed into an open field. The field has been

replaced with swimming pool-sized picture of Kathy Lee

Gifford. This javelin toss change has been made following

the success of the Celine Dion archery bull's-eye.

Also, gymnastics will now

be much like boxing and wrestling, being divided into

weight classes. The lightweight division will still

garner most of the attention and press, but the new

super-heavyweight division should prove to be

interesting, given the story of Agnes Clodfelter, a

part-time Wal-Mart cashier. For the new higher weight

divisions the balance beam has been renamed the

bowed-in-the-middle beam and the floor exercise has been

altered to include a drive-through Dairy Queen in one

corner.

All in all, the story of

the Olympics is about strength, discipline and which

athletes have had family members die.

Also in the news is the

Republican Convention being held in Philadelphia, a town

so hip they named it after an Elton John song. I am

mostly confused about Philadelphia. Is it the "City

of Freedom"? Or is it the "City of Brotherly

Love"? It has been called both.

Can't they get those people

who finally removed the Rebel flag from the South

Carolina capital to come in here and solve this one? Of

course, by they time they are done they will have melted

down the Liberty Bell because its crack offends

refrigerator repairmen and construction workers from sea

to shining sea.

It's been quite a black eye

on the city to play the just-released movie, "Rodney

King, Episode II, The Camcorder Menace" just as the

convention hits. Maybe the "City of Brotherly

Love," is the nickname to ax. At least the economy

in Philadelphia should benefit from the convention. Strom

Thurmond's Viagra prescriptions alone should boost local

commerce into the millions.

There are no real secrets

how the convention will turn out. On the fringe, a few

burning questions do remain though: "Will Dan Quayle

beat out Newt Gingrich for the `Celebrity Bartender'

concession?"

And, what theme song will

George W. pick for the campaign: Clapton's

"Cocaine," Queen's "Another One Bites the

Dust," or the traditional, "Oh My Papa"?

We will just have to wait

and see, and thanks to Al Gore, we can at least do it on

the Internet.

[Visit Billy Murphy on

the Internet at https://ebilly.net.]