On top of

the many hats I wear at The Fayette Citizen, I, like the

late Nostradamus, am also a prophet.

I predicted

the dwarf shortage in England last year as well as the

success of the hit game show, "Who Wants To Be A

Millionaire?" Now, it is time for me to lay down

some sweet predictions for you, faithful reader, as we

head into a new century and the beginning of a new

millennium.

First, I

will address the political scene. Year 2000 will be the

last part of President Clinton's term. The man who will

be elected president in November has not announced his

candidacy yet: Drew Carey. His appeal is enormous. Men

see many similarities between the Drew Carey on TV and

themselves. He just wants to drink beer, hang out and be

nice.

Carey is

very nonthreatening. If the American public is sure that

the next president isn't running off cheating on his

wife, we'll all be able to sleep better at night. The

biggest surprise will be his running mate: Admiral

Stockdale.

It seemed

the largest domestic issue in 1999 was guns. In 2000, the

most pressing issue on the home front will be fence

height. It can be very distracting for an entire

neighborhood to have fences and gates of varying height.

The property values plummet and it just looks tacky. It's

time to get off the fence and think about what height you

will keep it at.

The biggest

foreign issue in 2000 will not be China or Russia, but

Norway. The Norwegians have kept such a low profile, for

seemingly ever, that no one can quite place what is going

on over there or the last time that anyone has heard from

a Norwegian. In 2000, their amazing story of a journey to

the center of the Earth will launch a worldwide campaign

to establish villages under the earth. This will start

many clan wars and the mole people will become the United

States' best allies.

The death

that will shock the world in 2000 will be the second

death of Abraham Lincoln. The former president will be

cloned early in the year and everything will be great

until November. Lincoln will be at a production of

"Angels in America" with his new girlfriend,

Calista Flockhart, and all of the Washington elite, when

he catches a cold and his cloned immune system fails

rapidly. President-elect Carey will call for a special

Lincoln Beef Log national day of mourning.

The major

scientific discovery in the year 2000 will be that butter

is the fifth food group. Every bad thing you have ever

heard about butter was propaganda. A healthy,

well-balanced diet must include butter if you want to

live a long and prosperous life. It is unclear, but this

prediction may be cancelled out in a year or two by the

discovery that butter is a sentient being that spreads

its own propaganda.

Reunions

always tend to get the attention of the public and it

will be no different in the year 2000. The event that

will excite everybody on the planet will be the reunion

of "Amos and Andy." All close to 100 years old,

the original cast of the famous radio show regroups for a

22-episode stint of hilarious fun. "Amos and

Andy" becomes so huge that the Wayans Brothers sign

on for a three-picture deal and a new show on UPN based

on the hilarious radio program.

The

weirdest wedding in the year 2000 will be the marriage of

Luciano Pavarotti and Chef Paul Prudhomme. "This is

not about physical, marital love, but love of good food

and good friends," Pavarotti will state at the $3

million wedding. The Pavarotti-Prudhomme wedding almost

came in second to the wedding between Pat Buchanan and

the state of Montana. More people attended the wedding

between the opera star and the chef, though, and

popularity is really all that matters.

Locally,

the biggest thing to happen in Fayette County will be the

creation of several shopping subdivisions. Already being

built in several areas, the subdivisions, streets and

parks will all be named for the giant department stores

that tower over the surrounding neighborhood. I, for

instance, am moving into Wal-Martville. My house is on

Old Lady Greeter lane, right near Roll Back Park.

The year

2000 promises to be one of the most exciting years that

we have encountered in our lives. Though it won't

necessarily look like "The Jetsons," we have

entered the future, as we will continue to do so tomorrow

and the day after that and the day after that.

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