Time for me

to make my predictions for the first year of the new

millennium. Or, is it the last year of the old

millennium?

Jan. 1 -

Two-hundred million Americans simultaneously say,

"What? Is that it?" In the biggest scam since

the Pet Rock everyone realizes that 40 percent of 1999

was spent talking about the Y2K bug and the worst

recorded incident at 12 midnight, 2000 was a computer in

Iowa that had to be rebooted.

Jan. 2 -

Sixty-four broadcast, cable and news channels offer

round the clock specials on how everyone was hoodwinked

concerning the "over-hyping" of the Y2K

bug. Martha Stewart starts series of programs on crafts

using nothing but leftover batteries, kerosene and potted

meat.

Feb. 15 - Tentative

Atlanta Braves pitcher John Rocker alienates his last

bastion of supporters when he says the KKK is too

open-minded and stands for "krummy, krappy,

kreeps."

March 11 - Steven

Forbes fires the first, big shot of the presidential

campaign by calling John McCain a nutcase. John McCain

fires the next big shot back at Forbes... from a 30mm

grenade launcher.

March 30 - NASA, after

a series of space setbacks that hurt funding, announces

it will make a public stock offering over the Internet

and merge with Yahoo on its next mission: "The

search for the Mars probe."

April 20 - Locally,

the Fayette County Board of Education cancels all

meetings and pretty much all work and business to lobby

24 hours a day for the twice-defeated and not-wanted

SPLOST.

May 11 - The Dahli

Lama wins the Nobel Peace Prize at an international

gathering of followers and later that night hocks it on

ebay.com for $7,300 and a "Phantom Menace"

decanter set.

June 25 - Hugh Hefner

becomes a father again in his competition with Michael

Jackson. He starts teaching his eldest child about the

facts of life using nude pictures of mom. Reached for

comment, Michael Jackson said he will win their battle of

machismo as soon as he finishes his albino treatments,

finds another woman who will marry a virgin and can

locate a sperm donor.

July 4 - To celebrate

Independence Day in Washington, a huge gala is held,

featuring entertainers Celine Dion, Alannis Morissette,

Shania Twain, Michael J. Fox and Mike Myers. No one in

government realizes they are all Canadians.

Aug. 15 - VH1 starts a

new series called "Behind `Behind the Music'"

featuring the rise and drug-induced fall and rise

again of assorted washed-up rock stars - all

during just the taping of their "Behind the

Music" special. Leif Garrett is the first guest.

Aug. 30 -

Sixty-four broadcast, cable and news channels raise

awareness and fear with specials concerning the Y2K1 Bug

that spells doom on 1/1/2001.

Sept. 9 - Snuggles,

the Fabric Softener Bear, is laid to rest after a tragic

accident involving an outdoor commercial shoot and a

gas-powered wood chipper. He is buried in the vacuum

bag used to gather his remains.

Oct. 22 - As a

last-ditch slap in the face to the establishment,

Bill Clinton appoints Judge Judy to the Supreme Court.

Her first case involves a former Arkansas female lawyer

accused of a land scam.

Nov. 4 -

WWW.PeteRose.com closes down after it successfully

lobbies Rose back into the Baseball Hall of Fame. It is

doubly sweet for Pete as he had put down $10,000 at 4 to

1 odds against him.

Dec. 13 - I start

preparing my predictions for 2001 using principles for

prophesying I have learned over the years: Consulting a

holy man, meditation and taking three times the normal

dose of NyQuil.

[Visit Billy Murphy on

the Internet at https://billymurphy.homepage.com .]