What if I

wrote an article asking the question, "What

If?" concerning a variety of topics?

What if the theory of

evolution was true? Would I have to, on Fathers' Day,

send a card to Willie B the ape at Zoo Atlanta?

What if everybody realized

at the exact, same time that hamsters and squirrels are

really just big rats? What if all the smoking teens in

the world exhaled at the same moment? Would the globe be

hidden for days, weeks, or months?

What if all our local TV

newsmen and women pooled their combined intelligence into

solving one important dilemma? Would they figure out how

to keep Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee together? Or maybe

more importantly, discover how to get sand out of your

bathing suit?

What if TV commercials

became any louder? What if Mariah Carey became any

louder? What if David Arquette the "AT&T Collect

Call Guy," became any louder? Would free ear plugs

be the most important agenda issue among those running

for president?

What if we realized success

is overrated? What if we realized that money can't buy

happiness? What if we realized that the most profound

words ever uttered were, "Would you like fries with

that?"

What if you combined The

Clapper and The Club? Would you have The Clubber? The

first remote that when applied correctly on the head,

puts its owner's lights out.

What if everything negative

that everyone ever said to me, yet I didn't pay attention

to, WAS true? What if everything negative everyone ever

said to you, wasn't?

What if the greatest thing

you will ever hear in your life is, "I love you,

Mommy"? What if your eyes WOULD stay crossed? What

if your face WOULD stick that way? What if there was a

woman left on the face of the earth who hasn't made a

joke about men and directions?

What if Don King had just a

really, really bad toupee? What if David Hasselhoff

retired from "Baywatch"? What? Oh, my goodness,

he is? How will the show survive?

What if the Dixie Chicks

and Shania Twain showed more flesh? Could they possibly?

Would they produce enough mojo to turn the Backstreet

Boys straight?

What if the celebrities on

"The New Hollywood Squares" actually said

something funny? Would it cause a rip in the time-space

continuum to the point that someone might finally lean

over and slap Regis Philbin on that

"Millionaire" show?

What if Mr. Rodgers slapped

that stupid Pokemon senseless? What if, as Tori Amos

says, "She really was a mermaid in those

jeans?"

What if you always do hurt

the one you love? What if there isn't peace for the

weary? What if there was a boy who came home for

Christmas, smelling the tree, crowded together with all

his family, yet he still felt all alone.

What if sleep was Cupid's

only enemy? What if time was a knife? What if, when the

day was done and the words were said and the curtain had

fallen, you just...like me...weren't finished?

[Contact Billy Murphy

via e-mail at [email protected] or visit him on the Internet at https://billymurphy.homepage.com .]

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