"I

hate practicing the piano!" How many times have you

heard that?

One of the difficult

questions parents have to address is what to do if a

child wants to quit an activity before its scheduled

termination. Most of us recognize that it is important to

teach children to follow through with activities once

they begin, but we also do not want to frustrate them to

the point that they hate the activity and dread the time

they spend doing it.

For example, a child who is

playing on a basketball team may decide mid-season that

he does not want to play any longer. The dilemma for the

parent is balancing the child's commitment to the team,

the need to learn to follow through with a commitment

even when one is not enjoying the activity, and the

mental well being of the child.

I suggest several steps in

making this decision regardless of whether the activity

is a sport, music lesson, scouting, or some other

recreational activity.

First: as always, consider

the child's age. Very young children, especially

preschool age, lose interest in activities very quickly.

Children of this age should not be allowed to even begin

an activity unless they have asked about it many times.

That provides evidence that their interest is not a whim.

Yet one can expect that in the process of finding the

right "fit," children may try several different

activities over the years before they find what is right

for them. Unless they are completely miserable, I suggest

that the children continue with the activity until a

recognized break (tuition due date, end of the season, or

something of that nature). Then they are free to try

something else.

Second: determine why the

child wants to disengage. Many times, children will not

give you the real reason up front. It may be that they

simply do not enjoy the activity. On the other hand, they

may have been called down or embarrassed by a

coach/director, or other participants may be teasing or

threatening your child. It could also be that the child

had a bad day at the event, feels incompetent, and is

embarrassed to go back.

Tragically, it is also

possible that an adult or an older child is physically or

sexually harming your child. Child molesters do what they

can to get in positions of power over children. They can

easily do this by volunteering to be coaches, youth

workers, or scout leaders. I would never jump to the

conclusion that this is why my child was unhappy, but it

is a base to cover in seeking a cause.

Third: support your child

in his or her activity and choices, but do not push too

hard. Your children may have lost interest because you do

not seem to hold any interest in what they are doing. On

the other hand, do not make them pursue an activity just

because you "think" they should like it.

Fourth: determine the level

of stress the activity is causing your child. All of us

will have times where even pleasurable activities require

work. We may not feel like practicing, but we know that

in the end we have more fun than displeasure. If it

becomes evident over time that your child's displeasure

is exceeding his or her pleasure, then it is not the

right fit.

Fifth: do not over-schedule

your children. One or two activities is plenty. If your

children are on the go every night of the week, they

probably are over-scheduled. Between school, church and

recreational activities, your children should have plenty

of free time to play.

Finally: make the decision

to quit final for the present. When children quit an

activity, they must know that they cannot pick up again

on that activity any time in the near future. A year or

two later is OK, but allowing your children very quickly

to get in, out and in again will teach them that they can

quit when the going gets tough and then reengage to enjoy

the pleasurable part of the activity.

We have three children at

our house and I recognize these decisions are much more

complicated than I can fully address in this column, but

I use these guidelines myself and I have found them to be

helpful when assisting other parents as well. Sports,

theater and music are important parts in the development

of a child's esteem. The right fit between the activity

and the child makes for a stronger, more secure child.

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