Everywhere

you look today, you see another report on what is bad for

us. From infrared lights that show us the invisible

stains in our hotel rooms, to airplane oxygen that

pollutes our lungs, the world, they say, is killing us.

If you put enough experts

together, the sum total of their experience would say

that everything on earth is bad for us. The best (or

worst) example: food.

If we read enough reports,

we can logically determine that we should never eat one

more scrap of victuals in our lives. It's oil, it's

sugar, it's meat, it's carbohydrates, all killers! So

today, while pressing chocolate chips into day-old Krispy

Kreme doughnuts to be microwaved, I was thinking about

these experts, these nutritional Nazis that are putting

an end to the enjoyment of anything that is worthy of

stimulating a taste bud.

As fast as a pat of butter

can melt on your french fries, these health police can

deliver the worst news. First, it was cholesterol. This

demon chemical they say, clogs arteries tighter than

Spandex on a sumo wrestler.

Then they came back and

said that there are two kinds of cholesterols. The street

names they came up with must've been created by a an

elite governmental department: good cholesterol and bad

cholesterol. The good cholesterol they say, is good for

you. The bad cholesterol they say, is bad for you. Hmm...

how... scientific.

The primary duty of these

food federales simply is about ruining all our fun. Any

of the foods that we typically like, such as candy,

cookies, snacks, soft drinks, fast food etc... (anything

with actual flavor) are banned by these experts. They

seem to be the same boring people that developed the

pocket protector and those little arm covers on your

recliner rocker.

The game of deciding what

foods are good and bad is always changing, too. Popcorn

was good for you. Now popcorn is bad for you. Butter was

bad for you. Now, butter is good for you. Dairy Queen

Blizzards were bad for you. Now, Dairy Queen Blizzards

are still bad for you. No sooner than we think we can

finally safely eat something, it is suddenly ruled

poison. About the only thing that the nosh brigade can

agree on is that Alex Trebek does, definitely, cause

indigestion.

The horizon is unclear

concerning which direction we should take concerning our

personal eating habits. I keep hoping that at any minute,

I'll hear the news that my daily breakfast of four eggs,

12 strips of bacon and caramel/butterscotch pancakes will

actually enhance my health and fitness. Maybe not, but

I'll wait.

I feel sorry for those

people who change their eating habits every time a new

report is released. Their systems must be about as

confused as a Ricky Martin fan in a library.

I am taking the path of

moderation. At the movies, I am replacing my Goobers with

Cracker Jacks. (I recently realized how they make Goobers

- they take peanuts to the back/top of the theater

and roll them down the floor, under the seats. When they

reach the bottom, they are Goobers.)

I am trying to cut out soft

drinks. I am trying to lay off the Cheez Whiz crepes.

When it is all said and done though, it probably won't be

our eating habits that kill us. It will be our lack of

exercise. That is why, right now, I am getting out of my

chair and walking to McDonald's.

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